For Jen.

In my Ask Me Anything post, Jen asked me the following question(s):

Labor and Delivery story! I dont think I ever heard about yours. Was your delivery fairly easy? tough? worst thing ever ever imaginable?? (oh wait that was me haha)

I actually posted my birth story on here, but it's buried deep, deep within the porkchop files. :)

Here ya go!

Ma birth story. Proceed with caution.

For Javelin Rockford.

In my Ask Me Anything post, Javelin Rockford asked me the following question(s):

How did you and your husband meet?

I always like these questions - brings me way back and makes me feel all ooey gooey inside.

After transferring to a college in southeast Louisiana my sophomore year, I had to take the prerequisite Computer Science class to gain access to Psych (my major at the time). My first day of class, Joe walked in and sat a few seats in front of me. My first thought was that he was extremely attractive, and my second thought was that he was extremely attractive and therefore either 1) out of my league or 2) a complete jerk. So, I left it at that.

The next day of class (it was a M, W, F) class, we had to sit in a computer lab. I saw Joe walk into the lab and almost shat my pants when he sat next to me. I felt nervous and giddy and completely dorky and awkward. He didn't really talk to me at first, but he eventually warmed up, and we started chit chatting about basic crap - where do you work, what's your major, etc. I found out he was working at JC Penney which was a total in for me since I worked there prior to going off to college my first year. I'd just missed him as I quit one week before he started working there. Strange.

So, we basically just started out as very good friends - we'd hang out together during class, and that eventually spilled out to where we'd hang out after class, during our breaks, we'd go to lunch together and then eventually on actual dates outside of school. It was a pretty slow process. Joe was extremely shy since he hadn't dated much in his past (much to my surprise considering he was so outgoing and attractive), so it took him a while before he built up enough courage to actually ask me on a real date.

We only dated for about 9 months the first time around. I broke up with him for reasons that are sucky (which I won't get into on this blog), but I was so lucky and fortunate that he took me back just over a year later. This was September of 1999. We've been together ever since!

Our engagement photo - 2003

Place Them In a Box Until a Quieter Time.

When I was a senior in high school, a group of my friends and I escaped from prison and crashed a Dave Matthews Band concert at the New Orleans Jazz Fest.

Just kidding about the prison part.

Needless to say, being the bunch of wild and crazy kids we were, we had an absolute blast. Dave was always in my tape player (yes, I'm totally dating myself here by saying I owned a tape player). I also had a mad crush on the man. Not only was he sexy as all get out, his voice was unique and his song lyrics were brilliant. What's not to love?

Fast-forward 13 years.

Add a few more wrinkles to my face.

A few more dimples to my ass.

A wedding band to my left ring finger.

And you have ME on Sunday.

Same place, same time, same band, same me - different group of people, but it was just as fantastic!

Let's get started with pictures, shall we?

Let me give you a bit of a warning, mmkay?

I am white. I'm talking one shade from albino, Casper is my best friend, milk laughs at my whitness white. I've come to terms with this over the years. To protect my flourescent white skin, I must wear 2,000 proof sunscreen along with every ridiculous sunhat on the market. I'd like to keep from looking like a leather bag for as long as possible, so I deal.

Here's my dislcaimer to you: In the following pictures, I will be wearing a ridiculous sunhat - the kind that 80 year old Boca Raton, FL residents wear on a daily basis. This is also my PSA to WEAR SUNSCREEN and take care of your skin. Louisiana is nestled in the armpit of the sun, so it's a must.

On with it.

Here we are starting our day. You’ll note that Joe is a Fun Guy and my afro has roots that would do any PWT (poor white trash) person proud.

The entrance to the Jazz Fest. They used my body silhouette to make that purple dancing thing.

As luck would have it, we all had to pee as soon as we got there. Oh joy. Port-O-Pots. Here’s my sister showing her disdain.

Here's Better than Ezra's tour bus.

This is Dave’s tour bus. I stood outside stalking him most of the day. I think he was scared to get off of the bus for a while.

I have no idea who the hell these people are. This random picture was on my camera, so I figured I’d post it here.

Since we were special guests of Acura, we were able to get past the barbed wire fence and ravenous dogs to get a closer look at the stage!

Since my husband and I are Mr. and Mrs. Klassy with a kapital K, we decided to take this lovely photo. My grandma hat makes it even more klassy.

BTW, see how close to the stage we are?!

My sister and me.

Here I am with Dave’s body guard. I was very brave to stick out my tongue like that. He didn’t laugh. I cried a little.



This is the only picture I have of Dave. I have to actually be honest here – another person took this. My lame ass left my camera with Joe while my sister and I went to get some food. On our way back, Dave was out of his bus signing autographs. We ran to get our cameras, but by the time we got back, he’d already gone back in. The nice girl standing next to me was able to get this shot of him, and she sent it to me.

Anyone recognize this man? Anyone? Anyone? Yes, it’s Red Forman from That 70s Show. For some odd reason he was on Dave’s tour bus. When he got off of the bus, I was the only idiot in the crowd shouting for him. The only problem is I don’t know the actor’s name. I only know him by Red. He turned to wave at me and was then kinda like, “WTH?”

I didn’t care – I still wanted a picture with him! Like any girl with no self-respect, I ran up to him and begged for a picture. He obliged. I think I scratched his retina with my dorky black hat. After waiting for Dave for 30 or so more minutes, I decided to head back. Better than Ezra was playing at the time, and they were doing a fantastic job. I missed most of their set, but I did get to hear a few songs. Oh, and I got to take this picture when they were done…

Recognize this guy? He’s Tom Drummond from Better Than Ezra. I promise.


Here he is performing at another concert. It looks like he’s wearing the same shirt?

Finally Dave comes out to play.

And play some more (sorry for the blurriness and the random hands)

The highlight of the show was standing behind Crystal Gail and getting knotted up in her hair.

So, all in all it was a great and tiring day. We were there from pretty much the time the gates opened to the time when they closed. We were so exhausted at the end of the day but running on a DMB high (and also b/c I got to meet Red and the Better Than Ezra dude).

That is all for now. I have some video that I may upload later. We shall see!

And so it begins, well sorta.

I just realized today after 15 weeks of pregnancy that I haven't been keeping a blog or a journal. Actually, I read a post on a message board from someone who regretted not keeping a blog, and it made me feel guilty (it's not like I came up with this blog idea on my own - I can't take all the credit). I often wish that my own mother would've kept a better journal about how she felt during her pregnancy with me. Everytime I ask her if she felt this or that, she stares at me blankly and says she can't remember. Since I can't remember what I ate for breakfast this morning, what better way to memorialize the most precious time of your life (sans the vomiting, chronic constipation, heinous mood swings, and massive heartburn)? Now when my future son or daughter asks me how I felt at a certain stage of my pregnancy, I'll say, "Child, go read my old blog." There, very simple.

So, let me catch you all up to speed. We all know I'm pregnant. This is good. I found out on Thursday, February 21, 2008. Here's the obligatory pee stick.


And another test b/c I'm crazy and had a hard time believing it was true! HEY, don't judge me!

So, we had been trying unsuccessfully for about 9 months or so. All during that time I envisioned all of these sweet ways of telling Joe that he was going to be a father. I would be very creative and cautious so as to not give away my wonderful little secret too quickly. Yeah, that lasted about 20 seconds. As soon as I saw the positive result, I was on the phone calling Joe up like a crack whore in need of her next fix. He knew what was up almost immediately and sat in stunned silence for a good minute or so. I just sat there shaking and smiling and shaking again and smiling some more. He wasn't able to talk long since he was at work, but he came home from work shortly thereafter and was still completely shocked. I guess I was expecting more excitement from him, but it was a huge announcement, and since I wasn't delicate at all in my delivery of the news, he had a lot to digest. I don't think he really believed I was pregnant until we were on our way to the Olive Garden to tell my family the good news.

On my wedding day my mother was pining for grandchildren. It was no secret that she was ready to be a grandmother - a woman who looks younger than me wanting to be a grandmother. Wow. So, I seriously couldn't wait to tell her the good news. She knew our struggles throughout the entire process and had been praying so hard that it would all come together for us. Our plan was to tell my mom, dad, Nicolle (sister) and Trent (Brother-in-law) in person at the Olive Garden (their favorite restaurant). I called my mom that next morning and asked if they would want to go out to eat that night. She agreed. I tried to disguise my voice as best as possible, but it was really hard keeping my big announcement a secret from her at that time.

So, my idea was to have a little box with a rattle inside. I would include a card that said, "You're going to be a grandmother/father/aunt/uncle" and have the wait staff bring it out during dinner. I couldn't find a rattle ANYWHERE, believe it or not. So, I settled on a pacifier that actually said, "Grandma/Grandpa" and one with a cat head for my sister and Trent.





I packaged them up every so carefully in Easter Chinese take-out boxes. Why I used Easter Chinese take-out boxes, I'll never know. I digress. Joe and I decided to swing by Target on our way out to take another pregnancy test. I told you I was crazy, now didn't I? My fear was that it was all some weird dream and that I'd tell my mom and it not really be true. It was true, though, the Target test proved it. So, off we went to Slidell to dine at the OG.

We get to Olive Garden and I call my mom - they're going to be late, as usual - like 45 minutes late. So, Joe and I get a seat at the bar to wait for them. I'm pregnant and sitting at the bar, just one more thing that makes me classiest woman of the year. I digress. Joe and I specifically asked for a table for 6 (not a booth), and the chick said that a group just sat down at the table, so it would be a while. This worked out b/c we were still waiting on my parents. So, we ordered an appetizer and a glass of wine. Joe drank most of the wine and put it in front of me right before they got there so as to make them think I was drinking the wine. Just one more step in my evil plan of deceit.

My parents finally get there and we wind up waiting at the bar for another hour and a half (no kidding). Can you imagine how freaked out I was at this point? I was just SO ready to tell them! I kept pretending to sip my wine, and my mom would say, "What if you're pregnant?" I said, "Nah, I don't think I am - no symptoms (I hate lying to her, but I had to, God forgive me)." Then my dad and Trent kept wanting to re-fill my glass of wine (that Joe had sipped out of earlier) and I kept having to dodge them and be like, "No, maybe once we sit down, I've already had two glasses and am starting to get sleepy."

The funniest thing was while we were sitting there, my mom blurted out, "We were thinking that maybe you had an announcement or something!" Then my sister, totally clueless, kept saying, "No, mom, Natalie can't test 'til Sunday!" Then I just played it off and said that I doubted it and I felt bad b/c she had gotten her hopes up, etc., and then she dropped it b/c I think she really believed me at that point.

Prior to taking our seats, Joe pretended to go ask how long it would be to get our table, and while he was up there, he filled the wait staff in on what we wanted them to do (bring out the gift boxes during the meal and present them to my family). What's great about Olive Garden is that everyone there knows my family b/c they go there every Friday, so they're always given the royal treatment and they surely didn't disappoint last night! Joe's plan was to head out to the car when we were walking back to our table (pretending to go to the restroom) and get the boxes to give to the waitress.

The table for 6 FINALLY left and we were taken to the table. I swear, it was totally worth the wait b/c it was a huge table in a secluded part of the restaurant, almost in its own room. How great was that?! My serious concern the entire time was making a complete fool of ourselves at the restaurant, but where we were located was far away from other people, so it was truly perfect. The sucky part was that Trent stayed behind talking to an older gentleman at the bar. Joe was looking at me like, "WTF do I do now?!" With Trent sitting there, there was no way he could go to the car and get the boxes and not give something away. Not sure what happened after that point, but Trent came to our table shortly thereafter and didn't look like he knew anything, so I guess Joe pulled it off.

As each passing minute went by, I could feel myself getting more and more nervous. The waitress kept coming by our table WITHOUT the boxes and I was like um, hello? Finally, my mom said, "I have to use the restroom" and we all went together as ladies usually do. While I was walking to the restroom, I was able to catch our waitress and ask her to bring out the boxes as soon as we got back to the table.

We get back to the table and within maybe 3 minutes she appears around the corner with the boxes. I had them labeled on the bottom so she would know to whom to give them. At first my dad thought they were candy, so he pushed his box over to me and said I could have it (totally clueless). I pushed it back to him; he pushed it back to me. Finally I said, "No, DAD, YOU open it!" By this time my mom and sister had already started opening theirs and he soon followed suit. This was their reaction (better with pictures):


Mom's/Niki's reaction when they read the card

Dad's reaction - he was a little confused by it all at first Me hugging dad w/ mom and Niki stunned in the background

So, they were just ecstatic. My mom didn't freak out as much as I thought she would mainly b/c I think she was just in shock. Of course after a few minutes the worrying mother side of her said, "Oh no, now I'm going to worry about you even more over the next 9 months!" My dad was excited. He said I was "stout" enough to have a healthy pregnancy. Not sure if he thinks I'm a short, fat gnome or what, but that one kinda made me go . Then he kept saying stuff like "This child is going to have a golf club in his/her hand by the time he/she is 3." Oy! So, all in all it went really well. Everyone was TOTALLY surprised and seriously had no idea it was going to happen like that. My mom knew in her heart I was PG but certainly didn't expect it all to go down like that. So, mission accomplished!

We told Joe's parents the next night at Chili's! They were also completely surprised by the announcement although I suspect they had a feeling we were going to be announcing something big since we wanted to go out to eat vs. eating at the house. I wanted to make it a little more special and surprising. So, we made boxes with the "I love grandma/I love grandpa" pacifiers and were on our way to Chili's. Once we got there Joe arranged with our waiter to deliver the boxes during our meal. The waiter was actually a former student of Mrs. JoAnn's, so that was kind of neat! He did a great job. They were quite stunned initially, and it took a while to sink in just what we were trying to say to them. They were extremely excited, though - it went off perfectly!

Mr. Bruce's expression is hilarious!

Mrs. JoAnn is excited about her first grandchild!

Chris gives a thumbs-up Joe and Natalie So, that's how it all went down! This blog will probably go down in infamy as the longest blog ever written, so I'll cut out of here for now. I plan on updating soon with little tidbits that have happened to me along this journey into pregnancy. So, stay tuned!

Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving is upon us, and now is as good a time as any to reflect on the many blessings in my life. I can't believe this year is quickly coming to a close. Where did the time go? I can remember sitting down on New Year's Eve and thinking how far away Christmas seemed and how long the year would be, and it's already over - just like that - a blink of an eye. I woke up on January 1st, blinked once and now it's November 19.

Sometimes I feel like Adam Sandler is playing around with my remote control of life ("Click" reference for those of you who haven't seen that movie). The only difference is that I don't want my life to go by in the blink of an eye. I want to deal with all of the everyday "inconveniences" that slow me down a bit and make me reflect on how short and sweet life truly is. I want to sit down at my desk and write another check for a bill and be grateful that we have a wonderful house to call home and bills that we have the ability to pay because of our jobs.

Life is made up of millions of inconveniences, millions of menial daily tasks that we'd rather avoid - those few moments of pure bliss, those unforgettable seconds of time, those are few and far in between. Why wait around for those moments to happen and ignore the sweet filling in between? Call me crazy, but the best part of cake is the filling in the middle - the actual cake is just a bonus.

I am thankful for the arguments. I've been married for four years to a wonderful man. We have our moments, our marriage is far from perfect, but through each argument, I feel like we learn more about one another. I feel like we mark our battles down in some invisible, unspoken history book and learn from our mistakes. Those who don't know history are doomed to repeat it. I am thankful to have a husband who loves me and knows me and still accepts me for who I am even with my many faults.

Waking up at 6:30 a.m. is a blessing. Why would anyone want to be greeted by the irritating beep of an alarm clock and be pushed out of a warm and cozy space? That's easy. It's a blessing to me because I have a place to go, some place that makes my life worthwhile, a true blessing to work where I work and for whom I work. A job that pays my bills and gives me some extra spending money when I just "need" that new "insert whatever gadget is popular now-a-days". An incredible boss who goes above and beyond for his employees. Great co-workers who are funny and smart and good people. This is what life is all about. This is the good filling.

Airing up my tire is a blessing. I've had a nail stuck in my right front tire for the past 6 months. Why haven't I replaced the tire, you ask? It's a matter of principle. I just had all four tires replaced and within a week's time, the nail became embedded in my tire. Kinda aggravated me, so I still drive on it since it's not that big of a deal. It causes a slow leak that I have to fix on a weekly basis. Air it up, I'm on my way. How is that a blessing? Because I have a car. It may not be the latest and greatest or even considered middle-class, but it gets me from point A to point B, and it's always pulled through for me whenever I needed it to. It's paid for. It drives well. It's my car.

My family. The entire dynamic of my family has changed. My maternal grandparents are gone, our holiday get-togethers are at different locations and not all of us can make it there anymore. I had the sickening realization the other day that after my generation is gone, no one on earth will have ever had the opportunity to know my grandparents in life. They'll never get to hear my grandmother's voice, or see the beautiful wrinkles in her hands or hear The Price is Right music playing in her kitchen early in the morning. They'll never know that my grandfather loved to eat bananas and how he used to wear mechanic jumpsuits just to piddle around the house. How he worked on crossword puzzles daily and how is eyes turned a weird shade of blue once the cataracts got too bad. They'll never get to hear them say "I love you" and to know how good it felt to be loved and embraced by them. We can pass their memory along to our children and our children's children, but it will never be the same. They will never know.

This makes me want to hold on to my loved ones even more - to embrace them and cherish them and love them because they won't be around forever. When they're gone, that chapter of life will close. No video or picture or funny story will ever depict just how wonderful they were. I am thankful for them.

I am thankful for my pets - all three of them. If you've never owned a pet, especially a dog, I highly recommend it - if for nothing more than the therapeutic value. My dog is my psychologist. He's my sounding board and my rock at times. I had an emotional day a few days ago. Hey, it's OK to cry, right? My dog was intently chewing on his bone and stopped immediately once he knew I was upset. He came over to me and kneeled down right next to me and just let me lean into him and cry on him. He's a 2 year old lab puppy, so this was a huge feat for him. When I pulled my face back, he looked straight in my eyes and licked my face as though to say "I love you, I'm here for you." I know that sounds stupid, but it's like he just knew. It was one of the most powerful moments of my life. How can something so uniquely different from me be so connected to me on so many levels? My cats are the same way. If I'm sad, it's like they know. They follow me around more, sit on my lap more, head butt me more, whatever they can do to make me happy. I am thankful for them.

I am thankful for all of you and thankful for the many everyday blessings that may not necessarily seem like a blessing. It's time to start focusing on the in between moments, the filling of the cake, the sweet part that is often hidden from the naked eye but makes your life incredible once you reach it. It's the in between moments that count. Let's make them count.

Have a very Happy Thanksgiving!

Salt Lick Chili.

So I started this challenge with the desire to become a gourmet chef. I can say "BAM" really loudly. I look semi-decent in an apron. I have a kitchen. Gourmet chef aside (who am I kidding anyway), little did I know that there are a few rules that need to be followed when preparing a meal - 1) understand the importance of looking before you pour (I'll explain later) 2) adding water isn't always a quick fix to a major cooking blunder.

Prior to this challenge, opening a microwave required too much effort. To say that I'm totally out of my element here is the biggest understatement of the year. This leads me to believe that some cosmic forces must've joined recently. I figured I should start this challenge out very slowly since I am a novice and all. Why not make a pot of chili? It was 80 degrees outside which is cold by Louisiana standards - what better way to warm your soul than with steaming bowl of spicy chili. Sounds good in theory, doesn't it? The execution wasn't as pleasant. For starters, here's some raw meat mixed with onions. Simple enough. Now that I no longer have to chop the onions myself - thanks to my lil' Black & Decker processor - my life is much easier.



After the meat was fully browned, I added the following:

• 1 teaspoon ground black pepper
• 7000 teaspoons of garlic salt
• 2 1/2 cups tomato sauce
• 1 (8 ounce) jar salsa
• 4 tablespoons chili seasoning mix
• 1 (15 ounce) can light red kidney beans
• 1 (15 ounce) can dark red kidney beans

Notice anything out of the ordinary above? Look again, will ya? Being from Louisiana and all, I like my food very flavorful. Flavorful, by my standards, means lots of Tony's and lots of salt. My love of salt does have its limits, though. For example, when my pores shrivel up and die from lack of hydration, I know I've added too much salt. When I no longer have saliva to help dissolve the food in my mouth, I know I've added too much salt. This chili, my friends, was salty. I'm not just talking salty like "Let me take a sip of this water" salty I'm talking salty like "I will drink out of the toilet if it will satisfy my thirst" salty. And it was all my fault. Guilty. I opened up the garlic salt on the wrong side and poured it out with a vengeance. All over my chili. Everywhere. My beautiful chili was ruined. Or was it?



Looks pretty enough, doesn't it? That's b/c I added tons of water to it. Ya know water totally covers up any salt issues you may have. Yeah, I didn't believe it when I said it out loud either. So, my chili was ruined, but perhaps if I added tons of cheese to it, Joe would be none the wiser. Prior to serving it to Joe, I thought I'd make some cornbread. Yum, cornbread. I don't have any cupcake cups, so I decided to make it in a pan - a pan that was too big for it - a pan I forgot to grease. This is the end result of that fiasco.


Lovely, it all stuck to the pan. It was as flat as a pancake. It broke two of my teeth.



Eh, who cares - why not serve it to Joe anyway? Cut it up in very artistic shapes, plate it to make it look really nice, and he'll be none the wiser. Throw some cheese on the Salt lick chili and wala! After a painful 10 - 15 minutes of watching Joe die of dehydration, I decided to put him out of his misery and ask him if it was too salty. He looked at me with a scared look in his eyes and muttered "Just a little bit" - what a trooper, eh?

Fast forward a bit... While I was cleaning the dishes in the kitchen, I decided to feed a few of the cornbread scraps to Cosmo. I know, I'm an awful pet mom. After breaking two of his teeth on the bread, he can no longer close his mouth. This is his permanent expression now.



To add insult to injury, I walked into the bathroom after the dishes were put away and Joe was gulping water from the faucet. Yes, it was that bad. Moral of the story - next time you oversalt a dish, throw it out. With the exception of the salt, the chili was actually excellent. I think I'll make it again one day but remember which end is up on the salt shaker! Here's the link to the recipe for anyone who is interested:

http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Debdoozies-Blue-Ribbon-Chili/Detail.aspx

Why men and fire should never mix.

So, I get a phone call from Joe around 3:30 on Friday. There's nothing unusual about that at all. However, we've been together for about 8 years now, and I know him almost better than I know myself. From the second I picked up the phone, I knew he did something that would a) get him in trouble or b) get him in trouble. You see, unbeknownst to Joe, his voice changes a few octaves when he's up to something. Sometimes "the change" happens when he's trying to butter me up because he wants to make a big purchase (ex. our brand new grill) and sometimes it happens when he's done something bad and is trying to soften the blow (ex. what he did on Friday).

Here's a brief re-cap of our conversation:

Joe: Hey, I love you.
Me: What did you do?
Joe: Nothing (voice gets higher)
Me: Yeah right, what did you do?
Joe: Nothing, I swear (starting to sound like Mickey Mouse)
Me: Uh huh
Joe: Ok, are you sitting down? (voice is nearly inaudible at this point - dogs are coming out in droves from the high pitch)
Me: *silence*
Joe: Well, I kind of burned up our back yard.
Me: What do you mean "kinda"
Joe: Well, I left a box burning and it kinda spread throughout our yard and burned the grass up.
Me: How much of our grass is burned?
Joe: Not much
Me: Really?
Joe: Really! (mouse pitch again)
Me: *silence*
Joe: Ok, the entire yard, but at least we didn't burn down the neighbors house.
Me: *silence*
Joe: It's not so bad, you'll see.

We hung up the phone with one another because I don't really like talking about family matters and such while I'm at work. I guess at that point I didn't realize just how bad it was.
So, I get home from work and walk to the backyard. Looks like a vast wasteland, something you'd see on a National Geographic special. I partially expected Bear Grylls to pop out in all of his glorious hotness and start eating pieces of the charred grass because it has protein and tastes like steak. Poor Cosmo was outside playing hopscotch jumping from one section of grass that hadn't been fried to another section of grass that was still alive. He's a diva dog.

Just incase you're thinking "Nah, it can't be THAT bad!" here's photographic proof. Don't say I didn't warn you. By the way, this is only a small section of our yard. The burned grass stretches from one end of our yard to the next, stopping about an inch from our neighbor's fence. I think I heard, "You know, this is GOOD for our grass, it'll grow in nicely in a few weeks" about 50 times. I guess we'll find out in a few weeks if that's true!

Enjoy!

Random.

Joe is a child at heart. He truly is. For anyone who knows him, they will agree with me here. With that in mind, you should know that my dear husband has a new "get rich quick" scheme every week.

This week's money maker? Spice. Yes, spice.

He calls me a while ago and asks if I can make a website. After I told him no, he said he and his friend Shawn (if you remember, he was part of the duo known as Shish in my "more meat ma'am" blog) decided that they could start up a website that sells New Orleans spices all over the world. They both think they could earn a substantial amount of income from this idea. They probably could have if they'd been the first to think of it, but Tony Chacheres and Tobasco already have their own sites, so why would anyone go to joeandshawnspice.com when they can go straight to the manufacturer?

Get rich quick scheme #2...
A few months ago Joe wanted to invent a portable A/C that keeps your car cool all day. It would run off of solar power and essentially cool your car while it's parked in the sun. Great idea, just a little too late. After Joe told me about it, I saw an infomercial for that very thing.

Get rich quick scheme #3...
Before that, Joe and Shawn wanted to invent a coffee cup that had a temperature guage. So, if you know you like your coffee at a certain temperature, you didn't have to test it and either scald your tongue or freak out b/c it's too cold. This one has yet to make it off the drawing board.
If it's not about ways to make money, it's about ways to spend money. Joe watched an episode of Everest and decided he wanted to summit Mount Everest. Of course he'd need the $3,000 - $4,000 worth of gear to accomplish that.

A few weeks before that he wanted to be a super mountain biker. So, he goes out and spends an arm and a leg on a mountain bike and all of the gear that goes along with it, and what happens next? It ends up collecting dust and cobwebs in our messy garage (another project he started and never finished).

Now he wants to be a scuba diver. He and Shawn are planning on diving this summer, so Joe is about to get his license or whatever the hell he needs to dive (Shawn is already registered). So, there's another $$$ down the drain.

Shawn is so darn nice, and his wife is great, too. I always feel like I'm the spoil sport. I guess there has to be someone like that in a relationship otherwise we'd have massive amounts of debt and unused sports equipment for every known sport under the sun taking up huge amounts of space in our little garage.

So, for all the women out there who married men with the heart of a child, I feel your pain. Perhaps we should start some sort of support group or something. What do you think?

Would You Like More Meat, Ma’am?

Joe and I "celebrated" our 3rd anniversary a few weeks ago. When I mean "celebrated", I mean we went out and bought a $1 card from Sav-A-Center and hurriedly wrote "I love you" so that it appeared we had put some thought into our marriage. Actually, the celebration would come later since Joe's gift to me was a fabulous night out at the Imperial Palace Casino in Biloxi to watch the Cirque Jungle performance (my gift to him is the Def Leppard/Journey concert we'll be attending on the 17th).

We double-dated (how cheesy) with a couple who married one week before we did. They're fun to be around, and we always have a great time when we do things with them. Can you sense that I'm building up to something really exciting? I am, you just WAIT!

So, we get to the casino around 5 p.m. and meet up with Shawn and Trish. Let's call them "Shish" since the trend seems to shuck the conventional method of actually calling people by their first names and, instead, opts to meld the names together into one stupid sounding name (think Brangelina or Bennifer). We meet up with Shish and walk into the casino together. After we got carded (yep, uh huh, we got carded) we made our way into the casino and decided to stop at the buffet to get dinner before the performance.

We make our way to the buffet and notice that there's a long line that extends longer than the length of a football field. Surely, I thought, this line was not for the buffet. Perhaps they were giving away $10 bills somewhere or maybe David Hasselhoff was signing autographs at the bar. These people would be insane to wait this long for 3 day old meatloaf and crusted macaroni and cheese. I was wrong. I'd have to eat a pre-meal to wait in a line that long. That pre-meal would have to consist of a starch, vegetable, meat, bread and tea (preferably unsweetened w/ lemon). So, in other words, mama wasn't having that. Shish seemed OK with waiting, but after standing in line for two minutes, Shish decided against waiting. We ultimately decided to go downstairs to the "swanky" restaurant in the lobby. When I say "swanky", I mean expensive. I'll explain in a few minutes.

We walk into this really cool place. It's somewhat dungenous in its decor - dimly lit, lots of natural stone on the walls, huge wooden chandeliers hanging from the ceiling with lit candles instead of electric bulbs, fire pits, medieval men bludgeoning crappy tippers with weapons of mass destruction. Still paying attention? Good. I was kidding about that last part. There really were fire pits in the place.

A man named "Ox" is our waiter for the evening. I'm not sure if this is his nickname/stage name or if his mom was cruel and actually named him Ox. I didn't ask to see his birth certificate or anything, so I'm really not sure.

Here's how it went down with Ox:

Ox: "So, have you guys been here before?"
All: "No."
(During this time I'm looking under my napkin, under the table, and under my dinner plate for the menu. No menu, not a good sign.)
Ox: "You guys are in for a real treat." (My first thought, no we're not.)
All: "Great!" (I had a fake smile on at this point because I look to my right and notice huge chunks of meat turning around on some prehistoric fire pit/skewer thing.)
Ox: "This place is all about meat. You see this red/green coaster right here? (Points to coaster on table) You turn it to green and our wait staff will bring you a continuous stream of meat. There's tons of meat to eat. Meat, meat, meat and more meat. I hope you guys like meat!"

(With each utterance of meat, I felt the urge to purge. For those of you who know me, I'm not much of a meat person. I will occasionally dine on cow and chicken, but that's pretty much the extent of my meat eating. It's very hard for me to eat something that was once living, so I automatically knew this wasn't going to be a pleasant dining experience for me - especially since the meat was brought to us in such a barbaric way.)

Shish: "Great, wow, exciting!"
Joe: "Great, wow, exciting!"
Natalie: ""
Ox: "Ok, turn your green light on and let's go!"

And so it began.

Meat, meat, meat. Ox was right. There was meat galore. Lamb, cow, pork, no innocent animal was spared! It was like a meat glutton's delight. Here's the most fan-fricken-tastic part of the whole dining experience - you couldn't even have a conversation because you were constantly interrupted to feast on more dead animals.

Shish: "So, what have you guys been up to (talking to us)?"
Us: "Well, ..."
Waiter: "More meat, ma'am, sir?"
Joe: "SURE!"
Me: ""
Us: "So, Shish, how is the baby?"
Shish: "Well, she's..."
Waiter: "How about a huge chunk of meat, ma'am/sir?"
Joe: "SURE"
Me: ""

So, that's basically how it went down the entire time. We basically said three words to each other the entire night, and Joe got his fill of meat. I ate a small bite of cow and tried to fill up on the black bean soup at the bar. $110 later I walked out of the restaurant more hungry than I was when I first got there. Yes, you read that right. We spent $110 on meat and a salad.

It was, quite possibly, the stupidest dining experience I've ever had. I can see how this may have been a good idea in theory. I just imagine two meat-eating guys sitting on a fraternity couch (half drunk) saying, "Hey, do you want to start a restaurant that only serves meat?!" In my mind, I named these guys Bubba and Bo just because I hate those names and always imagine backwoods idiots when I hear them. At least Bubba and Bo had enough common sense to hire a decorator for the restaurant. I'm sure if they'd had their way deer heads, indian dream catchers, Lynard Skynard t-shirts, and car parts would've been the main focal points of the establishment.

I’m Married to Emeril.

I'm not a cook. Joe is not a cook. Joe watches two episodes of "Emeril Live" and thinks he's a gourmet chef. Dog eats raw chicken. House nearly catches on fire. Grease burns on my arms.

All this for one delicious meal of chicken parmesan. Read on.

So, yesterday (Sunday) was a nice and relaxing day for both of us. Joe was off of work, I had no other obligations, so it was one of those sit-back-and-do-nothing kind of Sundays - the kind where you don't even brush your teeth until the afternoon. I went to church yesterday morning, so I DID brush my teeth before noon, but I digress.

After putting up all of my fall decorations and deciding that I am, in fact, Martha Stewart, Jr., I decided to go one step further and cook a meal for my man. You see, I don't cook. It's not that I can't cook, it's just that I don't wanna. I don't wanna and you're not gonna make me. I think cooking is a major PITA (if you don't know what that means, think about it for a while). I mean, you spend quite a bit of $$ on all the ingredients, you spend hours preparing the meal and then cleaning up afterwards and all for what? So your man can tell you how much he loves you while burping and farting out the meal you so lovingly just made for him? Eh, it's not worth it!

All of that aside, I started preparing my meal. A few months ago (the last time I cooked dinner, in fact), I took a chance and made chicken parmesan. Not to brag on myself, but that was the best darn chicken parmesan I've ever eaten. And I'm a chicken parmesan eating fool, so I know what's good and what's not. I lovingly laid out the raw chicken - yum, E.Coli. I set up a separate station for the egg wash (how technical), and a separate station for the bread crumbs - I even crumbled up some Ritz crackers in it just for that extra crunch. I'm ghetto like that.

So, I went to the sink to wash my hands for the 10,000th time - yes, I'm a bit OCD when it comes to raw chicken. As I turned back around, I saw a yellow puff of something whisk past me. Was it a ghost, perhaps? Maybe an explosion of some sort? No, of course not, it was a dog - a little yellow dog - and he had something hanging from his mouth - something slimy, something infested with E.Coli, something repulsive - something like mommy and daddy's dinner. Yes, the little bastard stole a chicken breast with lightning speed and swallowed it whole. After I finally suppressed my urge to throw up, I hurried to the computer to make sure it was OK.

Did you know that dogs can eat raw chicken and other raw meats and have no adverse side effects? Bacteria doesn't affect them like it affects us. In fact, many people feed their dogs a diet that consists of only raw meats and vegetables. So, there's your veterinarian lesson for the day. Do with it what you wish.

After the dog/chicken catastrophe, Joe walks in the kitchen and starts to act like Emeril. He doesn't say "BAM" or anything stupid like that, but he acts like the resident expert of the kitchen. Mind you he's probably never cooked an entire meal in his life, and he's had no formal training whatsoever, but since he's seen two episodes of Emeril Live, he knows how to pan sear chicken. So, I just stand there rolling my eyes at him the entire time because I like doing that sort of thing, and he just stands there letting hot grease splat all over his arms, you know, because that's what Emeril does.

After I took back over the responsibilities of searing the chicken, Joe does the unthinkable and starts telling me how long to leave the chicken on each side, la da da da da. So, not being in the right frame of mind, I flipped the chicken over, and splattered about 7 cups full of grease on my arm. Well, more like a tiny dot of grease, but it hurt like hell, and now I have an ugly welt/scar on my forearm. I should join a bike gang, I'd fit in perfectly now. I'll buy one of those cool t-shirts that says "The bi*ch fell off" and wear leather pants with spiked boots. And instead of saying my scar is from grease, I'll just say it's from a gang fight in Tijuana - that sounds more interesting.

I guess I left out the part where the stove caught on fire. Yes, the remaining grease that didn't splatter on my arm spilled out on the stove and caught on fire. So, instead of doing the smart thing and acting calmly, I just managed to stand there saying "Oh, oh, oh my God, oh, uh oh, oh!" I'm not sure what Joe did in that amount of time, but the fire was extinguished and all was well. He decided to leave me alone after that.

You're probably saying to yourself - oh my, their chicken was destroyed - uh huh, my friend, it was delicious! Just as good as the first time I made it. Joe ate two pieces of it, and I had the one piece that I butchered as it was cooking because I'm always paranoid that the chicken isn't cooked thoroughly. I used to cook it for so long that it would come off of the grill or out of the oven the size of a pea. Now I know better and cook it for just the right amount of time - you know, the three or four times I've cooked it during our three year marriage.

Oh, Cosmo is OK, too! :)

American Idol III

I'll wrap up my AI story today. I wasn't able to finish adding the final pictures to my picture pages last night because I was busy working on my sister's bridal shower invitations. So, if you're mad, be mad at her. It's all her fault. You can call her and complain if you'd like, her number is
601-347-

Nah, I can't do it.

So, I'll just write today and add the pictures later - maybe tomorrow, maybe next year.
I left off my last entry right about the time we entered the arena and first saw our seats. So, this is what happened next...

As we were sitting there two women cops came up and started talking to us. They mentioned that the Idols usually randomly picked people out of the audience to come backstage to meet and greet all of the Idols and their band. I was game, Joe was game, so we told the cops to put us down on the list since they seemed to think they had an insider's connection with the group. They were living in la-la land because we never heard anything about it again. I guess they wanted to impress Joe - I saw them wink at him a couple of times. Jezebels!

(Later we found out that the two chicks on row 1, seats 1 & 2 were chosen. Random!? I think not!)

So, after dropping a whopping $60 on a bottle of water and a scoop of ice cream, we were seated and ready to go. The show was supposed to start at 7 but didn't actually get going until about 7:15. The band came out first and started warming up by playing the American Idol theme song. Then the big screen behind them started showing small clips of all of the Idols. The only Idols who garnered screams/whistles from the audience were Chris and Taylor. Everyone else, as far as the audience was concerned, was dog dookie. Is dookie a word? It is now.

The first Idol to come out was Mandisa (sp). Let me tell you, this woman can entertain. She was so energetic, powerful, she commanded the stage. If I didn't know any better, I'd assume she'd been entertaining for years. I was definitely impressed with her although her constant mentioning of "needing a man" got old after a bit. This is how it went down.

"Hey, HOUSTON, I need a man!"
"HOUSTON, thanks for having us, any single men out there?"
"How many single gals in the house? Have any single guy friends?"
"I like my mens big. Any takers?"

I'm like, gee, girl, keep it in your pants! Get this woman a man STAT!

Oh, she also got very sweaty after about 1 minute into her performance. She carried a black lace handkerchief in her hand the entire time yet she never used it. I kept thinking to myself ((please, Mandisa, wipe your face)). The huge screen magnifying the sweat X 1,000,000 didn't help matters much eiher. Ok, I'm just being mean.

So, after Mandisa sang a few songs, Ace graced us with his presence. At this time our camera battery had completely died, so Joe was running around like a mad man trying to find a place to plug in the battery pack. If we hadn't been showing everyone and their brother the pics we took earlier with Chris, Ace, and Bucky, we probably could have gone the entire concert without having to worry about the battery. Next time we'll know better. I also wish I would've brought my own camera as back up. I just didn't feel like lugging my Rebel around because it's quite large and the bag is cumbersome.

Since I was worried about Joe finding a place to charge the battery, I didn't really get into Ace's performance. There was one point where he moved his chest in this really weird ryhtym - like a heart beat or something. It kind of grossed me out for some reason. I thought it was mucho-cheesy, but I soon forgot about it when he started acting normal again. Methinks he tries too hard sometimes.

As he ended his performance Lisa came on the stage. By this time Joe was back, and we were able to get some decent shots of Ace and then some great shots of Lisa.

Lisa is absolutely gorgeous. I always thought she was cute/pretty on the show, but she was never one of my favorites, and Joe didn't care too much for her either. After she came on stage, Joe was like, "Who the heck is that?" Not only is she gorgeous, but her voice is incredible, too. Oh, and she can play the piano. I know she did a few Elton John songs during her performance. This was Joe the entire time she performed --- .

Paris came on and did a duet with Lisa. I believe it was "Waterfalls" by that group with the girl w/ a condom eyepatch. I'm having a dead zone right now and can't remember their names. I like to call Paris Cybil because she has multiple personalities. Paris'/Cybil's ghetto personality Bonqueesha was out in full-force at the concert on Saturday night. I much prefer the smooth-singing, 40's-style personality that Paris has shown us before. I'm not into watching girls "drop it like it's hot" and having sex with props on the stage.

Bucky came out next. I'm not sure if the sound guy didn't know what he was doing or if Bucky just doesn't know how to project his voice, but I couldn't hear him the entire time he was on stage. When he was almost done with his performance Kelly came out and did a "Grease" duet with him - they sang "You're the one that I love!". Well, more like they just swayed their hips to the music and barely sang at all. I had to strain my ears just to hear them b/c neither of them were projecting.

Kelly had ZERO personality. All of the other performers, up until that point, had been very energetic and excited to be there. Kelly was just very ho-hum or perhaps the jeans she was wearing were so tight that they cut off the blood flow to her brain. I'm not sure who picked out her outfit, but either they were blind or had on a pair of beer goggles. Her jeans were about 10 sizes too small. So much so, in fact, that the zipper was down during her entire performance. I couldn't wait for her to be done with her performance. After she was finally finished, there was a 20 minute break which was great for us since we needed to charge the camera again. There was no way I was going to miss Chris, Elliott's, and Taylor's performances.

Oh man, I have to get back to work now. I just realized how long this was - it's already 9:20 a.m. I'm sorry, friends. Tune in for another AI installment tomorrow. ;)

American Idol I.

Since we were on the road for the better part of the day yesterday, I was only able to complete half of the picture page for our American Idol's weekend. I still have to add pictures of Tyler's, Elliot's, Catherine's and Chris's performances. I also have a few seconds of video of Chris, Catherine and Taylor.

I'm playing catch up at work today, so I won't have much time to write about what all went down, but at least you can enjoy the pictures in the meantime. I'll say this - I had an absolute BLAST! I have so much to write about, so much to tell, but you'll just have to wait!

Click HERE for my American Idol Pics (remember to click on the banner to zoom in so you can see all of the pictures).