To keep myself from needing dentures and/or having the appearance of meth mouth in my twilight years, I’m trying to keep up with a grueling schedule of teeth cleaning. I say grueling because even though I only have to go twice a year for a cleaning, that’s two times too many. We should have self-sufficient teeth, teeth that cleanse themselves and prevent their own decay and rot. If I owned the world, this is how it would be. There would also be no toothless people giving interviews about tornadoes on the local news. We would all have teeth like this guy and be proud to show them off.
Ok, this guy looks a little insane, but he has an awesome grill. In my world, he would look a little less nutty and maybe eat a more manly fruit like an orange. Oh, and he’d cut down on his tanning bed time.
While I was sitting in the dental chair trying to look as cool as possible with someone’s hand rummaging around in my mouth, a few things dawned on me, so I thought I’d share them here.
1) How much more relaxing would a day at the dentist be if the drill and/or cleaning equipment they used would churn out some Yanni or John Tesh each time it turned on instead of that awful, high-pitched death sound? Drill starts, cue piano, cue violin – relaxation.
2) Why don’t latex gloves taste like food? Wouldn’t it be much more enjoyable if you could order a flavor before they stuff their latex-y hands in your mouth? What flavor glove would you like today? Mashed potatoes, roast beef and gravy. Maybe cheesecake. Maybe chocolate.
3) When I get an x-ray of my teeth, they’re very careful about covering my body, but my entire head is exposed. I need my brain cells, all of them (the few that are left). Why don’t they give us a hat to wear as well? Is my brain not as important as my arms and boobs? Men, don’t answer this.
4) Why are they so rough with my gums? Don’t I need gums to hold in my teeth?
5) To prevent droplets of water from splashing in my eyes during the process, they gave me a pair of clear glasses to wear. No one except carpenters and construction workers should wear clear glasses like this. I’ve got hands in my mouth, bleeding gums and clear construction worker glasses on my face. It was a very attractive moment for me.
So, now I can ponder these thoughts for the next six months until I have another day at the dentist.
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