Happy Birthday, Mr. President.

So, I’ve decided to be Marilyn Monroe for Halloween. Believe it or not, it was the least slutty costume I could find down the numerous costume aisles at our local Halloween store. I guess I didn’t realize that Frederick’s of Hollywood had taken ownership of Halloween. The problem with this is that about 90% of the population, myself included, shouldn’t be wearing anything that remotely resembles Frederick’s of Hollywood garb.

So, Marilyn it is.

Houston, we have a problem.

Here’s the costume:

Here's a representation of my northern region:

You didn’t really think I was going to show you my northern region, did you? For the less swift, this implies that I am flat as board. Got it? Ok.

So, perhaps I should've stopped by the local Winn-Dixie and loaded up on 2-ply toilet paper. Perhaps 3-ply. Heck, who am I kidding - do they make 10-ply? I’ve never stuffed before, but I just may have to make an exception so I can fill this dress properly. I don’t have the time, or money, to surgically enhance that area before Halloween night, so I’ll improvise. Let’s just hope that I don’t get my groove on too much at the Halloween party I’ll be attending. I’d hate to bounce out my stuffing and have to dodge toilet paper balls on the floor. How would I explain that to the President?

For the record, my husband is boring. He refuses to wear a matchy-matchy Halloween costume with me. I wanted to go as that sexy red-headed chick from Scooby Doo, but he refused to be Shaggy. I wanted to be a sexy (not too slutty) girl pirate, he refused to be a boy pirate. I wanted to be the outlet, he refused to be the plug. Yadda, yadda, yadda. What's a girl to do? So, after wasting $50 on a costume I'll never wear again, we're going to have to drop another chunk on his costume. We do have a mullet wig he could wear. He could always go as Joe Dirt or Billy Ray Cyrus – his choice. Nah, he’d blend in too much with the town folk.

So, I hope all of you have a wonderful AND SAFE Halloween! Have a great time with your kiddos (if you have 'em), and be sure to come back and tell me how it went! I'm looking forward to Trick or Treating with Anna, but I promise I won't be dressed as Marilyn. I will be dressed as mom.