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Wednesday, July 27, 2011

The burning bed.

A few weeks ago Anna made the big transition from crib to full-size bed.  I had planned on keeping her in her crib until she was at least 16, but once she became Spider Man and decided that cribs were for chumps, I made the unfortunate decision to switch her to a grown up bed.

I ultimately decided to forgo the traditional toddler bed with rails and give Anna the guest bed which had been turned into a glorified bow holder in my Piggy’s Place craft room.  I did this because 1) I’m a cheap bastard and didn’t want to spend money on a bed with rails (which I now regret) and 2) I figured Anna would easily transition into this new phase of life much as she’s easily transitioned into every other phase of life. 

Potty training…a BREEZE.
Crib to full bed transition…a sick, satanic joke.

To make Anna more excited about being in her big girl bed, I forced myself to go to my least favorite store on the planet – Target.  (That’s a bit of sarcasm for those of you who are unaware of my Target addiction.)

I wanted something cute, something that matched the pink and brown curtains we already had in her room and something cheap.  So, I went with this set:

The brown wasn’t a perfect match, but for $60 for an entire set of bedding, why split hairs?  (This is how cheap people think.)

I took apart Anna’s old crib and moved the guest bed into Anna’s room for final placement.  I washed all of the bedding and set everything up for her.  She was pretty darn excited.

I decided to place it against the wall until I was confident she’d be able to stay in bed without falling out.  I’ve since moved it to another location of her room to allow for more play area.

The first night went great.  Anna was super stoked to have her own big girl bed.  I was super stoked to know that if she did happen to fall, it would be much less of a descent than had she fallen from her crib.  It was a win-win.

How cute is she?

(Sorry about the crappy cell phone pictures.)

Are you sensing a great turn to this story?

Good, you should be.

I switched her to the big girl bed on July 6, 2011.  She slept in it for one solid night.  Every night since then, we’ve been re-enacting the Exorcist – 360 degree head spins and all.

Here’s how a typical night in our house goes.  I’ve made some drawings to better illustrate my personal hell.

Me: Anna, it’s 8:30, time for bed.
Anna: No, mommy, watch Spider Man!
Me: No, bed time.
Anna: OK, mommy, you lay down me?
Me: OK, but just for a few minutes, and then you have to go to sleep.
Anna: OK, mommy.

I wake up at 3 a.m. and go to my own comfortable bed with sheets that aren’t made out of sandpaper.  Within about 30 minutes, my child is screaming from the hallway for me to come back to her bed.  Or she will try to worm her way into our bed which means that Joe and I are hanging on for dear life (as illustrated in this fine graphical representation – I drew this beautiful picture before Anna had hair):

Rinse, lather, repeat.  Every.single.night.

Now I know why Target is able to sell entire bed sets for $60.  They use recycled burlap potato sacks to cut down on costs.  This explains why I wake up in a puddle of my own sweat with skin abrasions and lesions from sheet friction.  Of course Anna doesn’t care – it’s just toughening her up.

Here’s what I’ve resorted to to avoid this nightly ritual.:

”Anna, if you go to sleep without mommy, I will buy you a pony.”

”Anna, if you go to sleep without mommy, I will buy you a shiny, new Corvette.”

”Anna, if you go to sleep without mommy, I will  take you to the North Pole to see Santa.”

None of it works.

I read to her, some nights she falls asleep in the middle, others she chooses to interrupt me to talk about She-RA.

I bribe her with candy and toys and diamonds and pearls – none of it works.

Friends, nighttime is my time.  I need this for my sanity.  I need this to be a good mommy and wife.  If I can’t watch Celebrity Rehab soon, I am going to need to be hauled away in my own burlap sack. 


Anonymous said...

Is it bad that this post makes me feel good? Or if not "good", at least comforted that my child isn't the only one who lost his effing mind when he moved to a bed? GAH!!!!! Lucky for Vivi we had her before this chaos or there is NO WAY she would've ever come to be, because I would have tied my tubes shut. Or sold her.

Good luck, homie. I type this sitting in the dark beside Anderson's door, ready to lunge if he steps one foot out of that bed one more freaking time.

Mrs E said...

Reminds me of a little bedtime story that recently came out for moms and dads to commiserate their nighttime pains!! Go the **** to sleep!

I feel your pain... bedtime was a horrific nightmare for MONTHS here...

I wish you nothing but luck!

Beth @ UnskinnyBoppy said...

Oh my LORD I am cracking UP over here. I miss your illustrations so much! I'm so glad they are back!

Sidenote: I think the "If I give-a you diamonds and pearls would you be a perfect boy or a girl" schtick only works if you are the artist formerly known as Porkchop.

Melinda said...

i am so sorry, but that was hilarious! you're right about target's sheets. shepherd has the sports set, and they are ROUGH.

sidenote: why must toddlers sleep sideways?!

Kelli said...

This is so funny but I am sorry. I hope things get better :)

Kass said...

There are times that Aiden will talk for a while, but at about 45mins we go in there and tell him that it is nighttime and time to go to sleep. he's pretty good about it. If he asks us to stay with him for a minute he knows that we sit on the ottoman and not on the bed and we only stay for about 5minutes. You may just have to let her cry so that she gets the point that its bedtime and that is where she sleeps.

Anonymous said...

When my son had issues like that, I stumbled upon a solution that might work for you. I would tell him that I needed the bathroom and would come back shortly. He waited quietly and sometimes fell asleep.
Hey, if kids can pretend to need the potty to escape the bed, why can't WE? :)

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