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Monday, August 3, 2009

Clean up on aisle 12.

So, I’ve been MIA for a while with my blog.  Bad blogger, I am.  You see, my life is pretty boring, not much news to report.  I’ve been super swamped at work – that’s the truth.

Let me enlighten you on my most recent shopping experience. Let's begin.

When the only food in your house is a bag of 4 month old moldy grapes and bread that is one month past its expiration date, it’s time to go shopping.  I hate to shop.  I avoid it at all costs.  So, I will dine on popcorn, Ritz Crackers, olives, cheese, my child’s Puffs and Yogurt melts, occasionally some of her bananas and pears and Kraft Cheese slices.  When all of that runs out, I have to force myself to go buy food.  It’s not a pleasurable experience, but I try to make the best of it while I’m there.

So, I pick Anna up from daycare after work today and decide to hit Winn-Dixie since it's the closest store to where I am. As soon as I bring my child outside, I smell crap. Her crap. The problem with Anna's crap is that it's the most pungent, repulsive crap on the planet. I don't know why my child is so ripe, but I'm going to assume it's the peas and green beans and move on. I figure, hey, no biggie. I can just change her in the parking lot of Winn-Dixie, and then she'll smell all fresh and clean like she's supposed to, and I will once again regain my status as mom-of-the-year.

There's a problem with this logic. The problem is this - Anna's daycare took all of the diapers out of her diaper bag and put them into her bin. That's great for them, but this leaves me stranded with a child who smells like a horse pasture on a 100 degree day. Delicious.

I go into panic mode. I try to think of what Macgyver would do in this situation, but then I realize he’s a man and wouldn't have done a thing. No offense to my one male reader. K? So, I decide to just say the heck with it and make my way into the store.

The wind was blowing the right way, so our trek to the store was pleasant. As soon as we walked through the automatic doors, horse pasture smell hit me like a ton of bricks. I decided at that point to basically run through the store like Mighty Mouse. Salad - check. Bread, check. Water, check. Chips, lots of chips, check.

All the while we're leaving poo vapors all over Winn-Dixie. I feel sorry for anyone within a 10 mile radius of Anna's foulness. I was immune to the smell at that point probably because my nose hairs and other important senses had been burned away.

We finally make it to the register to check out, and I noticed a young mother standing in front of me. She was so well put together - perfectly tailored skirt suit, matching shoes and purse, manicured nails, highlighted hair. Her kids didn't smell like poop. I looked down at my raggedy jeans and flip flops, unmanicured nails and toenails, felt my unhighlighted hair and realized at that point that I really need a stylist PRONTO. Actually, I need a personal shopper since I hate shopping so much. I need someone to go to a store for me and pick out an entire ensemble and then take my head off and go get my hair highlighted since I hate doing that, too.

Classy lady left. Then it was my turn at the register. The nice man standing behind us was too kind to hurl or gag in front of us even though I know he wanted to. I did notice, however, that he kept moving further and further back from us. Oh well, what are the odds I'll see him again? In this small town, probably pretty high.

I did manage to get out of there without making anyone pass out or vomit, so I guess that was an accomplishment. My poor child made one more wonderful attempt to stink up my car until we finally got home, and I could change her nasty diaper w/ salad tongs and sterile gloves.

Edited to add: Before anyone calls CPS on me, Anna's diaper wipeout wasn't nearly as bad as I made it seem in this blog. I like to embellish for story telling purposes. :) Also, I was in and out of Winn-Dixie in about 10 minutes, so she wasn't in her poop diaper for too long - I promise.


Anonymous said...

That's so annoying that they took out all the diapers! Does the store you went to sell diapers? I would have cleaned her up in the car and kept her diaperless for a few minutes. Ge a pack of diapers from the store shelf, pull out one to use, and throw the rest in your cart to purchase.

I totally get what you felt like watching that perfect mom in front of you on line. As I was reading that part, I was nodding and imagining myself in your place.

~Ashley~ said...

you mean Anna poops?? no way, she's too cute to poop!! i seriouslly lol-ed @ Anna's ripeness, too funny!

Lyndsay said...

How do you add the "You might also like:" gadget at the end of your posts? TIA! :)

BTW, Amelia once pooped on our way into the grocery store and they sell 1 diaper changes, which also includes 3 wipes. They're only $1 (I think) so next time if you have more than 10 min of shopping to do, hit the baby aisle first. :)

mandie lane said...

oh, motherhood is such a joy. but next time I'm in line in front of you at Winn-Dixie, please say hello.

ha. ha. ha.

please post more often. I love your blog.

One Pork Chop said...

Lyndsay - the "You may also like" widget is from Link Within: You can click on the link below every section, and it should take you to this particular widget.

I feel like a horrible mom now. I guess I just knew it was going to be a short trip, and since I just bought an entire case of diapers on Sunday, I didn't consider shelling out another $15+ on a new pack. Bad mom, bad mom. I don't think they had the $1 packs at WD. I've never seen them there. I will always keep diapers and wipes in my car from now on.

Anonymous said...

I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.


Ashley said...

I'm a fairly new reader, and I'm not sure if I've commented or not but I wanted to let you know that I love your blog :) You are hilarious and Anna is so precious! This story had me practically falling out of my chair at work!

Jen said...

Oh, please don't feel like a horrible mom, you are a perfectly NORMAL mom who is busy and has a life!! We have all been there (well, at least 98% of us!)
and I'm sure we all have very similar stories- I know I sure do!! I found myself nodding along the entire time I read this post :)

Molly said...

Um, were we separated at birth? I hate grocery shopping, I hate highlighting my hair. On very rare occasions do I appear "put together" but I figure if people want to scoff at me, go right ahead. We're doing the best we can, right? Right?

Erin said...

So funny, I had that happen once when I had picked Avery up for a doctors visit during the middle of the day. I was leaving the doctors office and she let one fly, I had to try and get her to the car, in her seat and back to daycare before she really got messy. Just remember, regardless of how you look you are the best mom (or at least that is what I have to tell myself sometimes when I have pj pants and flip flops on at the store). Hope you get the spammer thing taken care of.

Beth said...

LOL I highly doubt you have offended J, your one male reader.

This post made me LOL for real. Did you ever see the creepy Wizard of Oz knockoff movie where they have the witch who has a big closet full of heads that she puts on for different occasions? Yeah, I'm totally not thinking that is such a bad idea anymore. Except I don't want mine to be witchy. Or have big 80's hair like those did.

maria said...

still laughing at poo vapors! you are hilarious.

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