Under Construction.

From day 1, my child has hated wearing hats, headbands, clips, barrettes, bows – basically anything that distinguishes a bald girl baby from a bald boy baby.  Surprisingly, Anna has only been confused for a boy once, but I’m convinced the person calling her a boy was a crack smoker considering that Anna WAS wearing a bow in her hair that day.

So, it always surprises me when Anna decides to put stuff on her head.  Stuff like this:

Doh!  It’s falling off!   I’ll just put it back on.  No problem.

My child walks around with this faux construction hat on her head pretty much all day.  Couple that with her stylish Paw Paw slippers that she loves, and I have one fashionable child!

Hugs.

I’ve always been a bleeding heart.  Sad stories can gut punch me so severely that I have a hard time coping for days.  Ever since I had my child, stories about children with terminal illnesses or children who suffer abuse at the hands of their parents and/or friends/family have really struck a chord with me.  Don’t get me wrong, I always hurt for these children before I had Anna, but having my own child has taken this to a whole new level for me.  I often avoid reading sad stories now because I know they will affect me greatly, sometimes to the point of sobbing and feeling physically ill.

Each time I read or hear about something sad, my first response is to go pick up my child and hug her.  This usually results in a major side-eye from her, and I’m sure if she could talk in full sentences, she would say, “What the heck, mom?  Get away from me!”  It doesn’t matter, though, I want to take the time to let her know how loved she is and how important she is to me, and that I will do everything within my power to make sure she has a wonderful life.

So, when I read stories like the one I'm about to share with you, I spend an extra amount of time with my child. Like last night, for example. After reading about Layla Grace, I went into Anna's room where she was asleep, picked her up from her crib and rocked her in the chair.  Of course she woke up within a minute and then wanted to play like a wild child, but I didn’t regret it for one second.  For those few hours she was awake, I was able to show her how much I love her, and I was able to spend more precious time with my child who is growing at rapid rates right now. 

I think back to the times when I get frustrated when Anna  spills milk dots on the floor I just steam mopped or drops sticky pancakes off of her high chair tray.  I think back to the times where I just want to sleep for 10 more minutes or lay down for a nap – JUST A 30 MINUTE NAP.  I think back to the times where I want to just take off on a whim and go to exotic locations like Graceland.  I think about all of the moments of frustration I’ve had with all of the above and want to slap myself for ever feeling this way.  Sometimes you need a good dose of perspective to slap you back into reality and make you grateful for the many blessings you have in life. 

That hot new car or beautiful house on the water – none of that matters in life.  Being late on a bill or not having enough money to buy a candy bar at the store – who cares?  When you read stories of people whose lives have been flipped upside down by a diagnosis that is too reprehensible to imagine, none of that matters.  None of it.  All that matters in life is life.  The lives of your children.  The lives of your family and friends.  Strip away everything else, and that’s what you’re left with.  Life.  That’s the important stuff.  The stuff that makes the world go ‘round.  Let this be your focus.  No matter what you’re going through, no matter how many hard times you’re dealing with, if you have your health, you’re wealthy.  If your children are healthy, you’re wealthy. 

I dedicate this post to every mom and dad out there. Please go home today and hug and kiss your child. Tell them how special they are to you and how nothing else matters as long as they are happy. This is the good stuff, folks, don’t ever forget it.

I further dedicate this post to Layla Grace and her wonderful family. I pray that God gives them strength through this and the love and support of the thousands of people who have been touched by their story. If you want to read more, please go to Layla’s website or follow this family on Twitter.  

Photo of Layla from her public Flickr account.  I claim no ownership of this image.

Domo arigato.

My child used to inhale everything you put on her high chair.  Vegetables, she’d eat them.  Fruit, no problem.  Bread, heck yes.  Meat, she didn’t discriminate.  Once infancy became a distant memory and toddlerhood crept into the picture, all of her former eating habits flew out the window.  Now the majority of her food ends up on the floor, and the pieces that don’t end up on the floor get shoved off to the side into one disgusting pile of randomness. 

Needless to say, meal-time at our house has become a constant battle of yin and yang with Anna being the yin or the yang – whichever one is considered stubborn and detests all things food related. 

Always the inventor, I've been trying to come up with ways to make my child eat. Wanting to avoid a visit from CPS, I've given up the idea of shoving the food down her throat and have decided to treat my daughter to a baby-style cultural experience... dining like they do in Japan.  Or how I assume they dine in Japan based on the movies I’ve watched.  This is about as cultural as I get, folks. 

Welcome to Domo Arigato Diner, a place where one can sit on a pillow, pull up a high chair tray and dine on the random bits of food that mommy and daddy have served – stuff like beets, chicken nuggets, apple pieces and wheat bread.  We’ve even thrown in some cheese for added flair.  This, my friends, is the only way my child will eat.  I’m tempted to start training her to use chop sticks now.  Then again, she’d have to train me.  I never was any good at that.

For the record, she added in the pillow for comfort. She's a genius!

Calling all angels.

My dear, sweet maternal grandmother passed away in April of 2003.  She spent the last 10 years of her life being the main care-giver for my grandfather who lived with Alzheimer's.  As you can imagine, this constant stress took its toll and eventually my grandmother became too tired to go on with her life.

I have a small picture of her that I keep on my desk at home.  It was taken the day I graduated from college, so I'm wearing my collegiate cap and gown and standing next to a grandmother who is beaming with pride.  It's a very special photo to me, and it's also the last photo that I have where we are together and she's still healthy.

The past week or so, I've noticed that Anna has a mild obsession with this picture.  She notices it wherever it is, even if I've moved it to another location.  She will reach for it and carry it around like it's her babydoll - she clutches it tightly to her chest and gets frustrated if you try to take it away from her.

Today I walked out into the living room to check on her while she was watching Yo Gabba Gabba, and I noticed that she set the picture up right next to her little chair bed.  I do believe it is probably one of the most precious things she's done to date, so of course I had to photograph this moment.

(Please excuse the ragamuffin hair - we're keeping it real!)

You can see the picture frame is setup right next to her little bed.  Oh, and she also has a random Croc of her dads.  I can't really explain that one. 

It's moments like these that I really miss my grandmother.  I mean, I miss her all the time, but little things happen here and there that just bring me back to a time when she was alive and well.  A time that I wish, more than anything else, Anna could have been a part of.

Why, cat, why?

I love animals, I really do; however, I am quickly falling out of love with my animals.  Yes, they're cute and cuddly and warm and fuzzy, and sometimes they make me laugh or say "aww," but more often than not, I'm looking at them with malice and contempt in my eyes.  They have turned my clean house into an episode of Clean House, and I'm very bitter and disgusted, to say the least. 

The majority of floor space in my house is either hardwood or tile.  The only carpeting in our house is in the bedrooms or the random small rugs that I've placed near entrances to our home.  Basically, we've got a 70/30 ratio of hard flooring to carpet, understand?  So, will someone please explain to me why my cat Chloe, the bane of my existence, alwasy feels the need to puke up her orange cat food in the carpeted areas, just inches away from the hardwood?

Here's a visual:

Cat food companies must be on a mission to add as much dye to their food as possible.  That way, whenever an animal pukes it back up (as cats often do), it will surely permanently stain the carpet.  My mom said she wants to invent clear cat food.  I think she's on to something here, I really do.  I would buy stock in clear cat food. 

Before you get all PETA on me, trust me, animal lovers, there's nothing medically wrong with Chloe.  She's been to the vet, and we've tried multiple foods - she pukes them all up.  I think she has a kitty eating disorder.  I've watched her gorge on food like Adam Richman on Man v. Food.  She actually purrs while she eats.  Then, like clockwork, up it comes only minutes later.  If she would just eat small bites like a normal cat, she'd be fine.  There's really nothing I can do, folks.  Except follow behind her with a bottle of Resolve and a garbage bag. 

Welcome to my glamorous life.  We flyin' first class up in the sky. 

Saving up for therapy.

When Anna was a teeny infant, just months old, she exhibited numerous signs that teeth were about to pop up any day.  She drooled buckets, she was cranky at times, even her pediatrician said she could tell some teeth were going to pop through at any time.  Dang, I thought I had a prodigy on my hands.  Teeth at 3 months?  Who would've thunk it? 

Month three came.  No teeth.

Month four came.  No teeth.

Month five came.  No teeth.

Month six came.  No teeth.

You get my point.  My child looked like this guy:

Finally, around 1 year (I can't remember when, and since I'm so fabulous, I don't have it written down anywhere), I noticed a little white shard of something coming from her gums.  Was it a tooth?  Was there hope for my child?

It WAS a tooth.  In fact, two or three teeth came in at once.  This was lots of fun for me AND her crib. 

Ok, we have teeth.  Now what?  Brush them?  Great.  Brushing the teeth of a toddler - I'd rather eat a hot glue gun stick than brush the teeth of a screaming, wiggling ball of terror.

My mother-in-law gave Anna her first tooth brush, so I dove in and started teaching my child about dental hygiene.  It all started out wonderfully.  I made up a cute song.  Well, I just sang the words, "Brush, brush, brush."  Talk about creative.  She enjoyed taking control of the toothbrush and brushing her own teeth.  This made me happy since my attempts at it made her gag a little. 

Then I did the unthinkable - I switched toothpaste flavors.

That was all she wrote.

From that moment on, my child hated having her teeth brushed.  I even bought her the same flavor she had the first go 'round, but it didn't matter, the damage had been done.  My child's mouth had been tainted with the flavor of bubble gum - a flavor that, for reasons unknown to me, she found repulsive.  All toothpaste flavors now trigger those foul memories.  My child suffers from PTTSD - post tramautic toothpaste stress disorder.  There is no cure. 

I don't want to have a 5 year old with meth mouth, so what's a mom to do?  I have now resorted to holding her down while I brush her teeth.  Methinks this is probably doing some long-term mental damage that will one day need to be remedied by therapy.  This is why I've started putting $20 a paycheck into a mental health fund for Anna's therapy. (Just kidding - the $20 a paycheck is going to MY mental health fund.)

I would appreciate any suggestions you may have to help remedy this situation.  I've used a regular toddler toothbrush as well as the one that I put on my finger.  She hates both equally.  She's an equal opportunity toothbrush hater. 

HELP!

Valentine's Day Give Away Winner!

The winner of the super sweet Watkin's Valentine's Day basket is...

...Beth Ann!  Please just send me an email at oneporkchopblog@yahoo.com with your physical mailing address, and we'll get the basket out to you ASAP!  Congrats to you!

Thanks to everyone who entered to win!  I'll be doing more give aways, so don't worry if you missed out on this one.

I love you.

I hate Valentine’s Day, but I love all of you.  So, with that in mind, I’ve scoured the Internets searching for something meaningful to share with you.  Here goes…

And for the record...

For those of you who get all giddy when Valentine's Day rolls around, how's about trying your luck in the latest Porkchop give away?  Click here to enter!  I’ll pick a random winner at 5 p.m. (CST) on Valentine’s Day, tomorrow.  Good luck, loves!

Valentine’s Day Giveaway for Porkchop fans.

I've teamed up with Beth at Southern Living Naturally to bring you another cool give away just in time for Valentine’s Day! 

This give away is jam packed with delicious goodies and wonderful stuff to make your Valentine's Day extra special. Here's what you'll get:

Chocolate Dessert Mix (value $6.99)

2 oz Original Double Strength Vanilla  (value $5.99)

Pucker Up Two Pack   (value $9.98)

Natural Lavender Hand Salve  (value $7.99)

Samples of the Lemon and Mango Shea Butter Body Cream

Sample of Watkins Purest Ground Cinnamon

Estimated value: $55.00 

A winner will be picked on Valentine’s Day, Sunday, February 14. 

To be entered into the giveaway, you can do one or all of the following. The more you do, the more chances you’ll have to win. Please note that some options will allow you to leave multiple comments (i.e. If you write a blog entry about this give away, you can leave two comments for that one entry).

Publically follow my blog (1 entry)

Blog about this give away (2 entries)

Tweet or Share this blog entry on Facebook/MySpace/Any other social network (1 entry)

Add my button to your blog (2 entries)

Become a fan of the One Porkchop on Facebook (1 entry)

Follow me on Twitter (1 entry)

Vote for me at TopMommyBlogs.com (1 entry)

Sign up for Swagbucks (5 entries)

This is what you will win! Men – give this to your woman and make her think you’re the most awesome husband, boyfriend, fiancé in the world!  Women – pamper yourself, that is all.   

  

30 something.

When I was a young lass, my mother had a short-lived fascination with the show 30 Something.  I would be casually playing with my Care Bears on the living room floor and nearly puke on Funshine Bear when I heard the instrumental intro to the show.  Noooooooo, mom, not again.  Not 30 Something.  These people are old.  These people are boring.  These people have kids and jobs and all of the other lame stuff that adults have to have to be successful in life. 

These people are now ME!

I had a mini panic attack the other night when I heard Sophia mention the show on a Golden Girls episode.  30 something?  I’m 30 something.  How did I go from a snot-nosed, Care Bear loving child who thought that 30 year olds needed canes and Poly-grip to a married mother of one with a mortgage, a job and a birth date from a decade where bell-bottoms and 8-tracks were all the rage? 


When did I trade my roller skates for a pair of Jimmy Choos and my Rainbow Brite purse for a briefcase (ok, I don’t really own a pair of Jimmy Choos or a briefcase, it’s all about symbolism, folks)?  Did someone hit fast-forward at some point? How I ended up at the 30 Something mark without needing a cane or Poly Grip is nothing short of a miracle.  I don’t have gray hair or winkles or boobs that sag to my knees.  I feel like a 20 year old on most days and can still hang with a crowd ‘til at least 10 p.m.  So, what was I so scared of?  What made me think that 30 Something was old? 

I’ll tell you what made me think that – youth.  I see teenagers all the time, and when they talk to me, they call me, “Ma’am.”  I am always taken aback by that because, in my mind, I am still a teenager.  I no longer get carded.  I no longer feel comfortable shopping at Aeropostale or American Eagle.  I wonder if teenagers look at me like I used to look at the cast of characters on 30 Something way back when.  Old, mature, boring, stuffy, plain, bland.  Or do they look at me and think – wow, she’s kind of cool for a 30 something mother of one, getting old won’t be so bad. 

According to IMDB.com, 30 Something only lasted for 4 years. I guess you can only be 30 something for a short while.  It’s kind of like the Saved By the Bell kids – did any of us really believe that those kids were in high school that entire time?  In real world time, they would’ve been 30 something by the time they graduated.  There’s only so much you can do to keep up.  I’d like to pitch an idea for a show to one of the networks.  It’ll be like the Duggars except without the multiple litters of children.  Something like, “30 Something and Counting.”  


Who would’ve thought that my 30 something years would be the best years of my life?  BRING IT ON 40 something!

Hell hath frozen over.

I guess hell has frozen over, hasn’t it?  Not only did our Saints make it to the Super Bowl this year, THEY WON IT!  I don’t think I’ve experienced such true joy and elation since my daughter was born.  If you’re a resident of New Orleans, you understand how important this win is for the city and the people there.  Even if you’re not a resident, you understand. 

In true Natalie form, I took my camera to my mom's house fully intending to take pictures the moment we took hold of the Lombardi trophy, but I left it in the camera bag the whole night. So, I don't have any pictures to post of our victory. Let's just say that I jumped up and down like a kangaroo on a hot road and probably dislodged some vital organs. That's OK, though, our Saints are WORLD CHAMPIONS.

So, in light of how awesome a night last night was, I wanted to share some of my favorite Superbowl commercials of the night. Admittedly my focus was on the game, so I had to re-watch most of them to get the point or to laugh at the funny parts. 

If you're my friend, you know all about my major obsession with all things Golden. So, it's no surprise that my absolute favorite commercial starred our favorite friend, Betty White!

After watching this two or three times, I finally got it! It's not that I'm dense, it's just that I wasn't paying attention. After it sunk in, I shed one tear. Or maybe two. Ok, three. SHUT IT!

Ok, is it sad that this reminds me of something Cosmo would do? Right after he humped our legs.

So, what were some of your favorite commercials? Oh, and how bout 'dem SAINTS?! WHO DAT!

And the winner is…

The winner of the cute handbag from Breleigh’s Boutique is…

…Crystal!

Please e-mail me @ oneporkchopblog@yahoo.com with your mailing address, and check your mailbox in a few days! Congratulations to you and thanks to everyone who participated! Please check back for more giveaways!

There really is an app for everything.

It’s no secret that I’m a Saints fan.  Even if you’re not much of a football fan, I’m sure you’re aware that the Saints have kicked major butt this season and will be playing in their first Super Bowl game this Sunday evening.  Having a ticket to to attend this bowl game is like having a golden ticket to see Willie Wonka. 

Unless you’re a big wig politician, a multi-millionaire or a sucker willing to go into deep amounts of debt to attend this game, your butt will be firmly planted on your plush sofa yelling WHO DAT from the privacy of your own home (or friends’ home or local bar or tailgate party).  My point is that these tickets are extremely expensive and extremely difficult to obtain. 

Since we’re not politicians or multi-millionaires, we decided to press our luck and buy some charity raffle tickets online.  Hey, they were only $2, and they went to a good cause.  So, we said a silent prayer and clicked the submit button to close the deal.  We never win anything.  Ever.  However, a fortune cookie told us that this would be the best year ever, so we knew we’d win.  Why not?  A fortune cookie said so.  The best year ever = going to the Super Bowl.  Case closed.  

So, Wednesday was the lucky day – the day our names would surely be chosen for this amazing prize.  Tick tock, tick tock, no calls.  No emails.  No nothing.  Did they forget about us?  Did we input our phone number incorrectly?  What gives?!

In a distracted state of mine, I began preparing lunch for my child.  You know, a healthy lunch like Swanson’s chicken nuggets and a cheese slice.  In the middle of my preparation, Joe’s phone rings.  He looks at the caller ID.  He shows me the phone - “Number unavailable.”  Who the heck could it be?  We both stare at each other in nervous anticipation.  He slides the bar and answers the phone. Here’s how the conversation goes:

Joe: "Hello?"
Pause
Joe: "Yes, this is Joe!"
Pause
Joe: You're kidding me!!!

At this point I’m grabbing the counter to keep from passing out on the floor.  My heart is racing a mile a minute, and I’m about to explode with the loudest WHO DAT ever heard ‘round these parts. 

Joe: "WE NEVER WIN ANYTHING! Oh MY GOD!"

Then he throws the phone to me and says, "Talk to them!"

I'm yelling into the phone, "Hello? Hello? Hello?" No response. I panic.  "Holy crap, Joe, you hung up on them! I panic some more.  “How do we call them back?!”

Joe falls over in a fit of laughter while I'm standing there still talking to some non-existent person on the other end of the line.  My world came crashing down, everything faded to brown and black. I realized, at that point, that I'd been had by the King Jokester.  He can’t even speak because he’s laughing so hard.  I’m just standing there with the biggest WTF expression on my face.  Complete and utter disgust.

He walks up to me and shows me his newest iPhone App - the Fake Caller app. You can set it up for your phone to ring with a fake caller on the other end.  Now iPhone can be proud of all of the divorces they will cause ‘round the world from this idiotic crap.  How many hearts have to be broken before this type of stuff is outlawed? 

I'm going to need therapy after today's events. Does iPhone have an app for that?

Ol’ Roy.

When I was a small child, I was extremely picky when it came to food choices.  I had a few typical kid staples like mac n’ cheese, fruit roll ups, mashed potatoes and some odd ball stuff like Vienna Sausage with spinach.  Yes, I really did eat that.  And enjoyed it. 

After moving back home to the dirty dirty south, my palette matured quite a bit.  I started adding different dishes to the equation – a little bit of jambalaya here, some gumbo there, crawfish pie and blackened catfish.  A dash of Tony Chacheres for flavor.  Laissez le bon temps roulet.   If you’re not drooling right now, there’s seriously something wrong with you.

I digress.

What’s unfortunate is that I can’t cook worth a crap, so my nightly dinners usually consist of Ritz Crackers and cheese cubes.  The meals listed above are for special occasions – like when I’m at the house of someone who can actually cook.  My meals are much more, shall we say, humble.

Last night, for example, I made a simple turkey sandwich for dinner.  After gorging the entire weekend, I figured I needed to cleanse myself of all of that Cajun food.  Halfway through my meal, Anna walks up to my plate and makes a very special deposit.  It was round and brown and much like the dog food we feed Cosmo.  I can appreciate wanting to try new things, but dog food isn’t on my list. 

A few minutes later, she returns with more deposits.  This time, an entire handful.  She throws them on my plate and claps.  My child has found Cosmo’s dog food bucket and has taken it upon herself to share the tiny morsels with her family.  What’s incredible about this whole story is that she doesn’t even want to try them herself – she’s all about giving, that one. 

This charitable act went on for a good 10 minutes.  That is, until my entire plate was covered in dog food.  Even Cosmo would’ve shunned that enormous buffet of food.  Why did I let her do it, you may ask?  Well, for one, it was cute.  I mean, how can I deny my child of that sort of fun and excitement?  Also, any parents out there know that when your child is entertaining him/herself, you don’t mess up that stream of consciousness.  Plus, the constant walking back and forth from the food pantry to my plate was not only building up leg muscles but also wearing her crazy little butt out.  More sleep for mommy and daddy = good life!

So, the moral of today’s story is to always look at your plate if your child is around.  And be open to trying new foods.  But not dog food.  Unless you’re into that sort of thing.

Things I love.

As a new mom-to-be, I honestly had NO idea what items and accessories would be useful once Anna arrived.  I spent countless hours hunched over my used Baby Bargains book and many more hours surfing the Interwebs for the best deals on X, Y, Z.  Basically, it’s all crap.  The majority of items that I put on my registry are now taking up space in our attic because I’m still of the opinion that maybe, just maybe, I can use them for baby #2 (although I know I won’t).  So, with that in mind, I figured I’d write about the useful things (things I love) that I’ve tried out since becoming a mom.  I will also write about the things I hate, but that will come later, so be patient!

Things I love (in no particular order):

1. Munchkin Bath Rinser. Giving Anna a bath is a breeze now.  I can sleep easily at night knowing that I’m no longer causing permanent retinal damage by all of the soap that she used to get in her eyes.  The soft, flexible part in the front conforms to her forehead and creates a barrier, so the water doesn’t get into her eyes.  The person who created this is seriously a genius. 
   
   
2. Homedics SS-3000 Soundspa.  Anna was never a napper or a sleep through the nighter until I added the Soundspa (aka Baby Crack Machine) to the equation.  We use this for every nap and throughout the night while she sleeps.  I’ve heard negative feedback about the projector, but we never use it, so ours still works.  The sounds work like a charm – no problems there.   
   
3. Ducky Bubble Spout Cover.  It’s such a simple concept, but it’s saved us lots of grief (and visits from CPS).  Once Anna became more mobile, she would constantly hit her head or scratch her back on the tub spout.  I found this little goody at Target and haven’t looked back once!  She loves being able to open and close the top (you can put bubbles in there), and the soft material doesn’t even phase her when she bumps into it.   
   
4. Two-piece pajama sets and footed pajamas with zippers. Unless you’re some mom whiz, buttoning up pajamas at 2 a.m. is next to impossible.  My child looked crooked for the first 6 months of her life because I was just too darn tired to snap her pajamas correctly.  So, for the cold nights in our house, my favorite pajamas are the two piece pajamas or the footed pajamas with a zipper (I refuse to say jammies, btw).  A few of you asked about some of the pajamas that Anna has worn in her photos.  Click the link above to see them at Target – they’re on sale, too!  
   
5. Summer Infant Mother's Touch Deluxe Baby Bather Pink.  Before Anna took ownership of the tub, we used this bather every time we cleaned our dirty child.  She was able to comfortably sit upright the entire bath which made it easier to bathe her and keep her entertained.  Since it sits directly in the tub, I didn’t have to worry about filling up a cumbersome plastic tub with water.  Plus, it’s portable, so I was able to bring it with us wherever we went.  I was actually very sad when I had to retire this tub to our attic.  Oh well, if my next child is a girl, we’re in luck.  If my next child is a boy, he will just have to deal with the girly pink fabric!  

   That’s it for now.  Please feel free to leave comments about what has been most useful for you.  I know lots of moms read this blog and would appreciate any feedback from real moms (not authors of books who are paid to promote crap products). 

And the winner is…

The winner of the awesome wristlet from Mada’s Place is…

…LindseyLou! 

Please e-mail me @ oneporkchopblog@yahoo.com with your mailing address and the wristlet design that you want, and check your mailbox in a few days! Congratulations to you and thanks to everyone who participated!  I’ll have another awesome give away this Friday, so please check back!