The countdown's on.

Don't forget that tomorrow, February 1, I'll be selecting the winner of the Mada's Place wristlet! If you haven't already left your comments, please go ahead and sign up, yo. Pass this along to other friends/family as well.

I'll be drawing the winner's name at close of business tomorrow (around 6 p.m. CST). Good luck!

TGIF! Fun giveaway for Porkchop Fans.

I’ve teamed up with my good friend Steph over at Mada’s Place to give my blog readers an opportunity to win something super cute. I have plenty of Mada’s creations, and I can assure you that they’re all top-notch. So, why not try your luck and see if you can win the cute wristlet below?

To be entered into the giveaway, you can do one or all of the following. The more you do, the more chances you have to win. Please make sure you leave your email address, so I’ll have a way to contact you after the giveaway ends. A winner will be picked on Monday, February 1.

To enter, do the following and leave a comment for EACH.


1. Publically follow my blog
2. Blog about, Tweet or Share this blog entry on Facebook/MySpace/Any other social network
3. Add my button to your blog
4. Become a fan of the One Porkchop Blog on Facebook

Please note there are many different styles at Mada’s Place, so you’ll have the option to choose any wristlet you like. This is one of the wristlets you can win:


GOOD LUCK!

I'm going to be doing giveaways every Friday, if you would like to feature one of your items for a give away, please email me at oneporkchopblog@yahoo.com.

I am loved.

Want to know why I’m all giddy tonight?  ‘Cause I have lots of junk food to rot out my teeth.  There’s an extra special someone out there who loves me enough to send me some awesome swag for Valentine’s Day.  I just wanted to show off the loot to make all of you salivate.  Cruel person, I am. 

I seriously have the best friends on the planet. Thank you so much, Kelly, for the wonderful Valentine's Day treats you sent me!

Also, make a mental note readers:  If any of you want to get on my really good side, any of the candies and trinkets above will do the trick.  Thank you.  

English Lesson of the day.

We all need a little refresher from time to time. I’m no English genius by any stretch of the imagination, but there are a few grade school lessons that many of us have forgotten over time. So, being the helpful person I always am, I’m providing you with a few tidbits to make you sound a heck of a lot smarter than you usually sound. No thanks is necessary. Unless you want to thank me. Then you can buy me some gift cards to Target. Or even Gymboree, I’m not picky.

I found this first lesson most appropriate given the examples. Uncanny, eh?

(Legal crap: All images below are from http://theoatmeal.com) This is one of my biggest pet peeves.

Another pet peeve.

The explanation is too funny to ignore.

I often have a hard time with this one.

The puking panda owns me.

So, there you have it – don’t say I never gave you anything. The gift of knowledge, my friend, is beautiful. And so is that puking panda bear. BLORCH!

ADD central.

I’m the first to admit that I suffer from ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). This is self-diagnosed, of course, but I’m sure if there was a checklist somewhere of the top 10 signs, I’d have about 9 of ‘em. Probably all 10, but I’d already be on to the next thing before finishing the checklist.

What makes this tale of woe even more unfortunate is that my dear husband, the father of my child, suffers from the same affliction. On a much greater scale, I might add. Methinks our poor child is doomed. I’m already preparing myself for the numerous progress reports we’re going to receive, “Anna is such a joy in class, but she has a problem focusing on the task at hand.” I could warm the entire Saints football team with the fire generated from burning all of my progress reports that carried that very same message.

So, my husband is off of work today. He was also off of work yesterday, but since he had daddy duty, that gave him the right (per his words) to sit on the couch all day long and only do daddy stuff like feed Anna and change a diaper or two. Asking him to lift a finger to, say, take out the trash, would be far too much to ask on such an important day.

Since I’m fortunate enough to be able to work from home a few days each week, oh, and be a mom at the same time, I asked him if he could clean the garage today. The more I watch the show Hoarders, the more I realize our garage isn’t too far off from that type of despicable mess. When you only open the door halfway to bring in the garbage can so as to not frighten off the neighbors, that should be clue #1 that it’s time for some early Spring Cleaning, right? When you step on a picture frame and fall into a pile of Halloween decorations that still haven’t been put away in the attic, that should be clue #2. There are hundreds of other clues, but my ADD keeps me from typing them all out.

Joe goes out into the garage totally motivated to organize and clean out this den of darkness. I hear things moving around, I think progress is being made, and then five minutes later – yes, FIVE minutes – he comes inside. Bathroom break? Does he need a drink? A shot of Scotch? 10 more minutes go by, and Joe is still in the house. What is he doing?

I get up from my chair and go check it out. He could be choking, for Pete’s sake. I quietly walk into our bedroom not sure what to expect. What do I see? Joe. In his closet. Cleaning it. Here’s the conversation that follows:

Me: What are you doing?
Joe: Cleaning my closet.
Me: I thought you were cleaning the garage?
Joe: Yes, I was, but I got cold. So, I came inside for a shirt, and now I'm cleaning my closet.
Me: :blank expression:
Joe: I couldn't find the shirt I wanted, so now I'm cleaning my closet to find it.
Me: :blank expression:

He’s been in the closet now for about 20 minutes. I’m taking bets from all of you to see if you think Joe is going to complete this task before moving on to the next thing.

Before I could finish this post, Joe quit cleaning the closet and started playing basketball in the house with Anna. So, I rest my case. My husband has extreme ADD and probably needs some pills.

And since I also have ADD, I'm bored with this post and am going to do something else now. Later!

Babyruth.

Bath time is always an experience in my house. Now that my child is no longer confined to her bath seat, she’s free to explore the depths of our household tub. She splishes. She splashes. She soaks everything within a 2 mile radius. She’s learned how to squirt water from her bath toys and giggles when her bath doll pees on the floor. She likes to stand and slip a little so she can give me a heart attack. Then she falls on her butt and further soaks our drywall. I’m sure we’ll have mold soon.

Her latest antics, however, are a bit...shall we say, concerning. And, let's be honest, repulsive. Vomit-inducing repulsion.

My child has started using our tub as a toilet. Yes, I’ve got a tub crapper on my hands.

I'm not talking about rabbit turd craps, people, I'm talking enough crap to fill a size 4 diaper. Enough crap to warrant a Hazmat suit. Enough crap to send smelly poo vapors through our air vents, outside to our neighbors’ homes. I just know the HOA is meeting about the broken sewer main that must be by our house.

I scream, I cry, I call for help, but help never comes. Instead, "help" (aka Joe) stands outside the bathroom door laughing and mocking as I reach into the forbidden poo abyss to rescue the Babyruth floaters that are bobbing up and down in the murky tub water.

I pull Anna out of the tub. She stands there dripping water on our cold tile floors as the sweat beads form on my forehead and the vomit rises in my throat. She points and laughs and farts for good measure.

Here’s a visual of how it goes down in my house:

When I signed up to be a mom, I never agreed to this. There must be some hidden disclaimer that I forgot to read in my parenting books about tub poopers. I feel as though I’m entitled to some sort of compensation – perhaps money, a new car, definitely NOT a lifetime of chocolate.

No longer the Aints.

Unless you live under a rock (or have no interest in Football), you know that my New Orleans Saints have FINALLY made it to the Super Bowl for the first time in franchise history! Notice I said “my” New Orleans Saints? That’s because Drew Brees and Scott Fujita have a mad crush on me. I also have some ocean front property in Arizona to sell you.

So, in two weeks, the Saints will be winning the Super Bowl when they play against our other favorite team, the Colts. What shall I wear, you may ask? Well, the truth is that I don’t have anything to wear. No Brees Jerseys, no bejeweled fleur-de-lis jackets to wear. Let’s head to Ebay and see what’s available, shall we?

The Frederick’s of Hollywood line. Now all I need are some matching thongs, and I’ll be all set!

Hot damn! I found ‘em! What else? Hmm, a skirt, perhaps?

Yes, my friends, this is a skirt. It’s long enough to cover up one of my butts.

In all seriousness, unless your chosen profession is pole dancing, who would wear this? Back to the drawing board, folks.

I heart Anna.

Anna’s heart is perfectly fine – no murmur, no issues that the Dr. could find with her recent echocardiogram.  I can now breathe a sigh of relief and focus on the good stuff in life.  Thank you Lord!

All that junk inside your trunk.

I love going to my grandparents’ house because my grandmother does my job and takes tons of pictures of Anna for me.  Then I can pass the pictures off as mine and retain my title of Mother of the Year.  So, below are a few pictures that “I” took of Anna after she learned that the Saints were going to be playing the Vikings on Sunday.  Here’s her reaction:

Woo hoo!  Now I can watch Brett Favre get his butt kicked!
Here she is showing off all that junk inside her trunk.  

Here she is with newspaper ink on her nose and a handful of random bits.

Soooo serious!

My lil’ Saint.

So, the Saints are kicking butt this year!  Anna has been our little good luck charm this whole season, and she didn’t disappoint when the Saints played the Cardinals at the NFC Championship game on Saturday.  Or should I say when the Saints pulverized the Cardinals at the game on Saturday?  45 – 14, baby!  Who dat!?

Here she is showing her support for the black and gold!  I also need to make a mental note to take out her paci when I start snapping photos.  Doh!

We're looking forward to next week when the Saints play the Vikings! Saints go all the way!

Impatience is a virtue.

When I took Anna to the pediatrician last Wednesday, we found out that Anna had a slight heart murmur that her pediatrician had never heard before.  The Dr. said it was probably an “innocent” heart murmur, but she still wanted to get a second opinion and set up an echocardiogram for Anna.  We set the appointment and took Anna in on Friday.  We’ve yet to hear back.  I’m a little frustrated, but I’m thinking that no news is good news, right?  Why does it take so long to hear back?  Being a mom is tough stuff sometimes, you know?

Answers for my lurkers.

First of all, thanks to all of the lurkers who came out of the closet in my De-lurk Lurkers post. It was wonderful reading comments from all of you, and I'm looking forward to visiting your blogs, so I can begin stalking you.

Just kiddin'. ;)

Anywho, a few of you asked me some questions, so I'm following up today with my replies.

Let's get started:

Q: Jennifer asked:
Will you ever attempt to take another Anna side-eye pic? Cause the one you have now is a masterpiece.

A: A true masterpiece can never be replicated, unfortunately. The infamous Anna side-eye picture is, as you say, a masterpiece. I can only hope for a pale comparison of the original. I spend day and night photographing my child just hoping and praying that she'll, once again, turn her eyes to the side for a perfect side-eye picture. Since her hair hasn't grown much, she still basically looks the same as the original, so I'll keep using it until her mullet finally grows out.

Q: Mommyofone asked:
I tried the fantabulous crib rail trick (aka: sheet tied around the railing), but my babe learned how to untie all the cute ribbon knots I tied it on with. Do you still have yours on Anna's crib and does she leave it alone?

A: Nope! Anna learned how to move the sheet and chew on her crib no matter where I tied it off! I've decided my child is just too brilliant to be fooled by my faux Macgyver attempt at crib protection. I do want to say that I am quite flattered you copied my crib rail cover. Maybe you and I should go back to the drawing board and try to come up with something a little less, I dunno, craptastic for the next go 'round!

Q: HG asked
What is your best advice for getting babies to get veggies? Or does Anna like veggies?

A: Put the veggies in donuts? In ice cream? Seriously, I have no idea. Anna HATES vegetables. She will put them in her mouth while I'm looking at her and then spit them out when I turn around. She thinks she's smart, but I see her doing this out of my side-eye. Yes, I can side-eye, too. Until they make fruit flavored vegetables, I think it's always going to be a challenge for us (and many other parents as well). If you ever find a solution, you know where to find me!

Q: The Other Sister asked:
Did I miss the 12 month photo fail? And did she receive anything monogrammed with her LBAK initials?

A: Darn! I was hoping no one had noticed the missing 12 month photo fail. You see, I took photos of her, but I failed to load them and write about them on my blog. It's obvious that nothing gets by you people.

I'm still waiting to receive some monogrammed LBAK items. Perhaps a hand towel or a bath robe.

Q: Kerri asked:
What is your/Anna's daily routine like?
What kind of foods do you feed Anna, or what does she like?

A: My daily routine consists of the following:
Hitting the snooze button until I'm almost not late
Shower
Clean up cat puke
Work
Feed Anna
Clean up more cat puke

Anna's routine:
Eat
Sleep
Poop
Eat
Sleep
Poop
Yo Gabba Gabba
Poop
Sleep

Anna goes through spurts of wanting to eat everything in sight to not eating anything. She's just like me except I never go through spurts of not eating anything. So, I guess she's not like me at all. So, just so she'll eat SOMETHING, I've resorted to feeding her the crap I said I'd never feed her - hot dogs, corn dogs, chicken nuggets, way more fruit than vegetables, etc.

At this point, I'm just trying to get her to eat something, and I figure something is better than nothing, right? On a good day, she'll eat turkey or ham, wheat bread, carrots (if I'm lucky), cheese, peaches or pears, raisins. She likes finger foods. She hasn't quite mastered a spoon yet, so most of the stuff she eats is stuff she can pick up off of her high chair. Score for me since I can't cook worth a crap!

Well, that's all for now, readers. Thanks to those who responded! I look forward to hearing more from you girls soon - don't be shy, k? Anna says so.

Ain’t life grand?

My child has learned how to climb up on the windowsill. Then she laughs hysterically when I turn around and see her there. Now I have visual proof of her precious woodchuck teeth! These are the moments that truly make my life grand.

It’s the devil.

Below is a short list of some of the people, places and things I often equate to the devil. 

• Anna when she’s teething.

• My cat Chloe when she’s puking on my carpet.

• The IRS.

• People who kick puppies.

• Target.

Most of these make sense to the average Joe.  Teething children, puking cats, the IRS, puppy kickers – well, we all know how devilish they can be.  We weep and gnash our teeth and pray that the Lord God Almighty will rescue us from these abominations.  So, where does Target come into play here?  Keep reading.

I’ll be completely candid and say that I hate shopping.  I hate crowds, I hate digging through endless racks of over-priced clothing, I hate spending money I don’t have on clothes I don’t need, and I hate the intense buyer’s remorse I have after I leave.  So, then will someone please explain to me why I can go into Target for a tube of toothpaste and walk out $100 poorer with bags full of scented candles and scrapbook paper and Scene It DVD games and throw pillows for a bed I don’t make and clothes for a child who could wear something new everyday and not wear the same thing? 

This is why I think Target is the devil.  They trick you with their bright lights and colorful displays.  The aisles and aisles of “must have”  items that entice you with their sheen.  The sales displays at the end of each aisle that make you scratch your head and ask yourself, “Self, is $4.99 REALLY a good deal for this lemon zester?”  Heck yes it is – throw it in the cart even though you have four at home already.  I lose all self-control.  I become a slave to Target.  I’m their pawn, they’ve hooked me, now I am theirs for eternity.  Target, I can’t quit you.

It’s yo’ birthday!

Today is my sister’s 25th birthday. Yep, 25 years ago my sister entered the world and completely uprooted my life. I’d been an only child for 7 years, so it took some major adjusting to realize that the sun no longer rose and set on me. There was another human being to steal the affections of my parents – that could’ve made me a bitter, crazy cat lady eventually. But it didn’t. Well, I have two cats, but I believe crazy cat lady status happens around 4.

Little did I know at the time that this little bundle of poop and puke would eventually become my best friend, the person I tell all of my secrets to, the one I know will be there for me ‘til I take my last breath on this earth. The person who lets me borrow her clothes and cute boots because she knows I’m just too darn lazy to buy my own.

Now my sister is going to have her own bundle of poop and puke in a few short months, and it absolutely makes my heart go all aflutter to know that some of her awesomeness is going to be passed down to my precious nephew.

So, Happy Birthday, Nicolle! I hope it’s a great day for you!

Anna Kate: 15 months (EDITED)

((HAHAHAH! For anyone who caught my blunder earlier, I'm sorry. My child is 15 months, not 18 months. Therefore, I turn over my mother-of-the-year trophy and charm bracelet to GAMzu and NBJenni for pointing out the err of my ways!))

This is for my own record keeping purposes and also for family members to keep up with Anna Kate’s progress, so don’t send me any hate mail if this post isn’t entertaining enough, k?

Today was Anna’s 15 month appointment. Anna behaved like a little lady, and she looked especially cute walking around with only a diaper and her boots with the fur (synthetic fur, of course). Sorry, I can’t let my daughter walk barefoot on a nasty public floor like that – let me just roll out my plastic bubble and call it a day.

Here are her stats:

Height: 31"/60th Percentile
Weight: 22 lbs. 5 oz./40th Percentile
Head: 18 1/4”/60th Percentile

So, basically she's a tall, skinny girl with a big head - just like mama. The good news is that she’s increased in heigh/weight/head size since her last appointment, so we’re headed in the right direction after a little dip.

The somewhat bad news is that the Dr. noticed she had a heart murmur at this visit. She’s never noticed it before, so she wants me to take her to a Pediatric Cardiologist just to rule out anything significant. She thinks it’s an “innocent murmur” which is pretty common in young children. I’m staying away from Dr. Google because I’ll be convinced my child is really sick when she isn’t. Her appointment with the specialist is this Friday, so we’ll get to see an ultra-sound of her heart to see how bad the murmur is. Her daddy had a murmur as a young child, so I’m thinking it’s genetic. Darn genes! Wish us luck and send some good vibes/prayers our way if you’re into that sorta thing.

Other than that, she had two shots, one in both leg, so that made her cry for a significant period of time. Once we left, she was knocked out in her carseat, so the ride home was nice and quiet. Now she's watching Desperate Housewives with her best friend Dot.


What can Anna Kate do?:

• Anna is a very active toddler. She can walk, run, kick a ball, throw a ball, bounce a ball and pass a ball back and forth with you. It’s fun to have someone to play keep away with when we’re teasing her dad.
• She is babbling up a storm. I think she’s going to have a word explosion soon. As of right now, the only words that she says on a frequent basis are mama and dada. She can somewhat enunciate the words ball and hi, but when I ask her to say, “dog” she will go “gah.” I think she’ll eventually get the hang of this whole talking thing and talk our ears off. The other day she said, clear as day, the words “fire” and “grass” for my in-laws. I think since she’s around me so much, she is just taking a little longer to speak up since she and I have our own way of communicating. We sign for “done” when she’s finished with her meals or “more” if she wants more food.
• She loves to mimic what you do. If you brush your hair, she will pick up anything that resembles a comb (usually a remote control, a tooth brush or even a cell phone) and brush her hair with it. If I pick up my cell phone, she will pick up her pretend cell phone and hold it upside down while trying to say, “Hello.” She understands the concepts of daily tasks and will emulate them. This is probably my most favorite stage so far. Earlier today she took a make-up wedge and pretended to put make-up on her face.
• She has learned to softly pet our animals. While she’s petting them, she will try to say the word soft. It sounds like “ahhh,” but I know what she’s saying because she has the same voice inflection that I have when I’m telling her “soft.” It’s precious.
• She is eating table foods like a champ. She will like certain foods for a while and then toss them off of her high chair the next time. I never know, day to day, what she’s going to like. She’s gotten much pickier since she’s hit the toddler phase, and I can’t say I’m too happy about that. I’m not much of a cook or one to be inventive, so I feel like I’m boring her with food. She loves, loves, loves fruit, though. I’ve learned to give it to her AFTER she eats meat and veggies. We haven’t mastered the fine art of spoon/fork self-feeding yet, but that’s my fault. Today she took a spoon and pretended to feed herself from an empty bowl, so I think she’s ready for that transition as well. I know it’ll be messy, but it can’t be any messier than this ---> Click if you dare!
• She has been off the bottle since about 13 months or so. She’s now drinking her whole milk and juice from a sippy cup. She’s still stuck on her paci, though. I will wean her of that one day, but for now I’ll just deal. There’s only so much stress I can handle as a mom.
• She sleeps fairly decently through the night now even though at least once or twice a week we have to lug her in our bed to make our family H. I’m not sure if it’s teething related or not, but if she wakes up and is crying, there’s no getting her to go back to sleep in her crib. The only way she’ll fall back asleep is if she’s with us in our bed, unfortunately. I’m not a fan of co-sleeping, but when it’s 3 a.m., and you’re going on 2 hours of sleep, you will do whatever it takes. Never say never, moms.
• Anna is getting to be more active when we go out to eat. This means that she is no longer content sitting for an hour+ in a high chair while we eat and talk about life and such. She’s good for about 20 minutes, and then she wants out, she wants to crawl on the table, she wants to touch the waitresses boobs (yes, I’m serious), she wants to put her hand in whatever you’re eating or she wants to eat whatever you’re eating. So, we may have to step back from eating out for a while.
• She has four full teeth now – two top, two bottom. Her molars are coming in as well – I can see the tip of them breaking through her gums. Surprisingly, she’s been very happy and doesn’t seem to be affected by the pain. What a little trooper.
• She’s such a mild-mannered and easy going baby. She loves everyone, she loves animals, she loves Yo Gabba Gabba, she loves to take baths, she loves going Bye Bye (and loves to wave), she loves when we chase her around the house – she giggles the whole time. She’s just a complete joy to everyone who meets her, and I can’t tell you how blessed we are that she’s our child. I couldn’t have asked for a more wonderful little girl.

I love you, Anna Kate!

De-lurk, lurkers.

Did you know that it’s National De-Lurking week? What does this mean? It means that if you read my blog, come out, come out whoever you are and post a question and/or comment for me! I know you’re out there, I’m tracking your every move like a crazy Internet stalker. Ok, I’m totally kidding about that, but I would LOVE to hear from the silent (and not so silent) readers of this blog. Getting blog comments and questions makes my day. Ask me whatever you want, but let’s keep it PG rated, por favor!

Yo Gabba Gabba!

I’ll be the first to admit that I absolutely can’t stand children’s television shows. The music, the bright colors, the cheerful characters, the dancing, the singing – all of it makes me want to puke up rainbows. Cheerful rainbows with red and green and orange and yellow and…

Ahhhhhhhh! Vomit.

My child is growing up very quickly. There are only a few short months left where I can watch The Office and Roseanne without her trying to steal the remote control from my hands. My husband already steals the remote control from my hands. Hell, even my dog tries to steal it from my hands from time to time (or at least to hump it).

So, why am I sitting here with songs from Yo Gabba Gabba playing in my head? Repeatedly. Incessantly. Here’s why. While my child was sitting on my lap, I made the mistake of tuning into Nick or Sprout or Noggin or HBO or whatever channel shows this program. Within one second, DJ Lance and his bright, furry Shriner’s hat flashed his crazy smile and got my daughter hooked on the baby crack that is Yo Gabba Gabba. When Dancey Dance time comes around, my child is like a Solid Gold dancer. She drops it like it’s hot in her boots with the furr. While I just sit back and shudder at all of the absolute craziness of it all.

What's a mom to do? Surely the office romance between Pam and Jim won't hold a candle to the bright colors of Brobee and Foofa.


Disclaimer: I actually like this show, so I don’t want to hear any lip from YGG Supporters. It’s one of the few shows that I can stomach because the music isn’t half bad. I’m going to get Anna some baby glow sticks, so she can dance to the trance. That’s how we roll in my house.

Anna’s PhotoChop: Take 1

I love Photochopped photos!

For those of you who aren’t familiar with the process, here’s the legal definition from UrbanDictionary.com:

Photochop: To alter a picture using Adobe's Photoshop program. Usually to make the picture comical.

Here’s the original version of the photo:

And here's Mona Lisa:


More to come, stay tuned!

Do the humpty hump.

My dog has a fetish with humping things. He's neutered, he's no longer a puppy, so why does he hump everything in sight?

A pillow...he'll hump it.

A bed spread...he'll hump it.

Anna's boppy...he'll hump it.

My leg...he'll hump it.

A can of peas...he'll hump it.

Other dogs...he'll hump them.

A bobby pin...he'll hump it.

A pack of tick tacs...he'll hump it.

You get the picture. He'll hump anything. It's a tad bit digusting when you look around and see your dog deflowering your child's pink and brown boppy pillow. Then five minutes later he's deflowering your leg.

What is wrong with him? He's probably chafed by now.

I don't have any pictures of him humping anything because I wouldn't feel right about being involved in puppy porn, but I do have a picture of him with his head stuck in a Ruffles bag. That makes about as much sense.